I was listening to a podcast last week with Tim Ferriss as he interviewed Cindy Whitehead. Here is the link. Cindy is well known for selling two pharmaceutical companies for over one billion dollars and is now dedicating her time to helping other female entrepreneurs pursue their mission.

In the middle of the episode the two are discussing negotiating tactics to win when the stakes are at their highest. Want to know “the secret” to winning?

He who cares the least, wins!

Sounds too simple right. So maybe the answer is to just care about nothing, and float aimlessly through life living like a true nihilist? Hardly. Caring the least is largely about perspective and what you are willing to lose.

In golf, one of the first things an instructor will likely teach you is the grip. Not so much the interlocking grip vs. the overlap vs. the ole baseball grip. No. I’m referring to grip pressure. Tight enough to maneuver the club, but not so loose that you lose the grip and it slips out of your hands on the range and goes flying toward that old woman in the visor. That’s dangerous. Strangling the air out of the grip doesn’t help either. Wringing the club’s neck with tension will lead to lack of flow with the swing and makes it nearly impossible to release the club head and really generate power.

Two very important words there. Flow and Release.

I can name a handful of times in my life when I’ve been hanging on much too tight. That’s called nerves, or the more commonly uttered phrase today: anxiety. For me it is usually the result of trying too hard to drive an outcome likely out of my control, but one I believe NEEDS it to happen. I also become less of my true self in the process. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it.

Pressure Balance

I’ve hung on too tight countless times in sports, with relationships, business pursuits and in my professional life. I’m pretty sure each delivered a less than desirable outcome because I wasn’t playing my game. I was playing too tight, trying to guide every outcome.

Feels like being a little league pitcher who can’t throw a strike after walking the bases loaded. All you want to do is aim the ball over the plate and have it hit the target. You’d give almost anything to make it happen and squeeze the ball with this intent. Meanwhile, the coach from the dugout yells, “don’t aim it Zac…just throw!” He’s right.  Just throw and let it go!

Hanging in there vs. Hanging on.

That’s life isn’t it? Hanging in there just enough to pursue a lofty goal just out of our reach, but not willing to give up just yet. Conversely, not hanging on so desperately so that when it doesn’t happen the result is fatal and personal catastrophe ensues.

Anyone who’s spent any time with a child knows exactly what this pressure looks like. Devastation occurs when a child doesn’t get their way or their demands are not met. We’ve all seen the temper tantrum thrown at the toy isle in Target. These are children, but I could source many events where adults don’t act all too different.

What does holding on too tight feel like?

To me, it feels like pressure. A weight vest. The game doesn’t slow down, it speeds up. Decision making isn’t as sharp as it should be. I’m pressing, pressing, pressing for the outcome. Minutes feel like hours. Days like months. There is absolutely no flow. It’s mentally and physically exhausting because when one element doesn’t hit the way the script in my head reads, it’s like a kick to the gut. Body blow, body blow…complete loss of wind. The answer feels like more effort. More hours. More grind.

Burnout.

I’ve been there a few times and usually spot it later than I’d like, but that’s not the worst thing. The key is being able to spot it. What follows is usually a deep sense of clarity, gratitude and ability to refocus on the important stuff. Focus on the “right” action, results will come. Getting lost again in the process has always worked for me.

Focus on Action > Results

If you feel yourself hanging on too tight what do you do? My recommendation is to get very honest with yourself and fear set. What is fear setting? Here is a link to Tim’s blog post on Fear Setting. Name your fears. Speak them out loud or write them down. Let your fear hit oxygen and assign value to them. Is this real? If so, what is the worst outcome? Will you die from this?

ACTION ITEM:

The quality of your life is in direct reflection to the quality of your questions. Here are a few different ways to think about hanging on too tight.

• Why am I hanging on so tight?
• Who am I trying to impress?
• What is it I’m really chasing?
• How will my life really change if said outcome does or doesn’t happen?
• Could all the time and energy I’m directing at making this one thing happen, be better used to pursue multiple opportunities instead?