Tag Archives: ulcerative colitis

What Do I Want from 2024?

On this journey we call life, it’s important to have a compass. Wandering endlessly day-by-day will leave us in the same spot we started (which is unacceptable). As Tony Robbins says, “progress = happiness” and who doesn’t want more happiness?

So what am I thinking about or pursuing in 2024?

Health

My number one pursuit in 2024 is to find remission from my auto immune disease…by any means necessary!! Recently in November I started a new trial drug (Zeposia) which is designed to better regulate, or down regulate my immune system to trigger fewer flare ups or responses by my body to fight itself, and in so doing, cause harm. In evaluating options, the next choice of treatment was: a pill, a bi-monthly shot, or infusion every 8-weeks. We chose the daily pill.

But over the holidays, I flared again on the new drug. Talk about a downer!! Today, I’m currently taking about 3-4 different pills a day to combat symptoms and I’m in a desperate pursuit to bring this number to ZERO!!

I’ve grown tired of the ups and downs from the unpredictability. I’m tired of the anxiousness of the disease impacting my movement patterns, sometimes limiting travel (which I love) and just overall life. In early January I’m headed to Mayo Clinic for a second opinion on how to best rid myself of these symptoms and hopefully dial back on medication.

I’m attacking the disease from many angles: diet, fitness, and overall mental well being. I tell myself I know how the disease was initially triggered. It’s lovely cocktail mix: A great deal of hard living in my 20’s accompanied with amplified stress from being a tireless overachiever likely sent my body and immune system into a tail spin in the late 2000’s. But is this true?? Or is this story??

Fact vs. Story. That’s what I’m really looking to explore. I’m not looking to only treat symptoms, instead I’m Indiana Jones in search of the root cause. I’m told there is no “cure” per se to Ulcerative Colitis. I don’t buy it. I’m somewhat convinced the medication doesn’t work, otherwise why would I continually experience flare ups a few times per year, which are then resolved by steroids? So what’s the answer?

Is Diet the Answer?


I don’t know this either. Here’s what I do know. I know in 2023 I ate better than I have in my entire life. I consumed more vegetables, smoothies and pounds of spinach than I ever have. I consumed less alcohol than ever and I’m on the verge of calling it quits entirely. But still the symptoms. Is diet the answer?

Is Fitness the Answer?

I’m in better shape now at 41 than I was at 31. It’s not even a comparison. My body composition is better and I’m even hitting the golf ball further as a result. In 2023 I completed over 250 workouts and cycled nearly 8,000 minutes this year. In a quest for 10,000 pull ups, I completed 14,000. I am no iron man, but I am in good shape…but the symptoms remain. Is Fitness the answer?

Am I too type A?

I can only imagine being a reader of this post and reading my thoughts. Zac, of course you think simply changing the variables noted above (or by simply doing more) you’d step into remission and all would be well. It’s not that easy, and I’m coming to grips with that. So what’s the next phase?

Is the next phase Surrender?

In listening to recent sermon from Orchard Hill Church, the pastor spoke to surrender, and a season of waiting. I must admit, just hearing those words send me into toxic shock. I suck at waiting…and yet maybe that’s the larger lesson in all of this? I’ve tried searching for solutions via the mechanism of control. And yet, that’s not working. So maybe surrender is?

In almost every year in my adult life I’ve thought about goals and planning for the following year. It’s exciting, it’s ambitious, it’s challenging!! Every single year these include financial targets to hit and investments to make. While 2024 will likely include these goals, my #1 concern and focus will be on getting truly healthy.

You can have all the riches and success in the world, but if you don’t have your health, you have nothing.

Colonoscopy: Number Six

It’s Oct. 5th. 4:11AM. I’m wide awake.

Not by choice either. At 3:15AM I woke to take down the second (yes there are two) dose of laxative that would further empty my body out before my 7:45AM colonoscopy. I get one every other year due to my Ulcerative Colitis. At this point in the early morning “prep” process, there is literally [nothing left] in my body.

I haven’t eaten in roughly 34 hours…and oddly enough, I’m very alert and rather focused. My mind feels sharp and I’m not even thinking of food. I just banged one last cup of coffee for a little jolt of energy this morning pre procedure. Funny what happens when we go without food for an extended period of time. The mind and body adapt. I’ve also done this before, so mentally I’m prepared for the entire process.

This will be my sixth colonoscopy and by now, it’s become quite a simple method to follow:

  • Stop eating for 24 hours+
  • Consume laxative doses and empty every last bit of substance from my body
  • Go to the Dr. Office, Get IV
  • Lay on left side & Take a 2-hour nap during procedure

I’m actually laughing to myself sitting up in bed as I think about this. It’s become somewhat “normal” for me every two years. Normal in the fact that, I know what to expect. In a really weird way, it also makes me appreciate what the body and mind are capable of adapting to. Think about this.

  • How hard is a marathon for a first timer? How does that compare to the mindset of someone who completed 20?
  • How hard is it to go without breakfast? How does this compare to someone who intermittent fasts 16-18 hours every day?
  • How hard is it to lose 10lbs.? How does this compare to a wrestler or fighter who does this on the regular?
  • How shocking is the “prep” for your 1st colonoscopy? How does this compare to a person going into his sixth?

With Perspective and Frequency, We Adapt

This whole process makes me think about the mind and body’s ability to adapt. But adaptation only comes once we choke down the 1st, big, fearful dose.

I look back at when I started riding my Peloton in the early winter months of 2021. The stats, the output, the rides…they’re laughable now (700 rides later). But I needed a jolt to get back into shape and lead a healthier lifestyle after the COVID lockdowns. Those first few rides, my pulse spiked along with my anxiety, because my body at the time couldn’t tell the difference between heartrate from panic and exercise. Now I’m programmed to jump on, ride like hell, sweat, and leave feeling accomplished and refreshed.

It’s Going to Suck

In her book, Bird by Bird, author Anne Lamott introduces the concept of “shitty first drafts”

All good writers write them. This is how they end up with good second drafts and terrific third drafts.

In any new endeavor, you’re very likely going to suck, or at least stumble along like you’re wearing two left shoes, and that’s OK. I’m trying to teach this to my son, but I’ll admit I struggle with this too. No one wants to look stupid! As for my son, he wants to be “good” at something immediately, but his young brain hasn’t quite learned that it takes work and effort and practice to refine a skill. Who am I kidding, I’m 41 and I’m starting to grasp it now!!! I WANT INSTANT RESULTS.

Cheers to Firsts!!

How did I get from writing about a colonoscopy adventure to thinking about mindset? I don’t know exactly, but I’m energized about the idea of taking on new things, because the second go at the effort will be better, smoother, and less anxious. The biggest tragedy will be never starting in the first place.

Do the first rep. Take the first jog. Eat the first smoothie. Mediate in the most shitty of ways. Write the first sentence. Make the first offer. The second step will surely be less daunting than the first.

If you needed more motivation, I stumbled upon this video coming out of my colonoscopy anesthesia and I’m happy I did:

Oh and do me a favor if you’re in your 40s or certainly 50s. Get a colonoscopy. It won’t kill you, and you can reposition it in your mind as a mental exercise (that could also save your life).

Looking Good, Feeling…Frustrated

I’ve always been particularly aware of how I look. I would even be so aware to call it vain at times. Today is no different. The guy on the left is prideful of the work and results. The guy on the right knows the inside looks presents different challenges from the outside.

It’s the end of the month, which means I’m wrapping up my monthly scorecard. The sole reason for my Monthly Scorecard is to focus on those efforts which provide vitality and energy. The side effective is a positive one, and it is being in shape. But I believe it also helps keep my autoimmune disease at bay, most of the time…

Another Spring Time. Another Flare.

I believe this is the 3rd year in a row I experienced an Ulcerative Colitis flare up. I know for certain I had one last year and I’m pretty sure I had one in 2021 as the stress from Covid was having a major impact on everyone’s lives. Myself included.

Starting 2023, I was going to really attack the Scorecard work and ensure I was showing up for those around me as my best self. I’ve been incredibly diligent with my exercise and diet. Not perfect, but very few slip ups or cheats along the way, so the most recent internal discomfort came as a real shock to me. I was controlling the things I could control to a large degree. Here I am talking again about the word control. It was a prominent theme in my post about receiving therapy through Better Help. This is where I’ve spent time reflecting this last week as I had to miss out on a business trip.

The Illusion of Control

The whole reason for the monthly tracking was to distill down the essential efforts which selfishly, make me feel great as a person. It shouldn’t come as a shock, but with consistency my energy is higher, my sleep is better, my body “looks” better and I’m in control of my symptoms…but am I????

I realized the scorecard work is a daily mechanism and a lever of consistency I can count on. What it isn’t however, is a forcefield of control. I’ve yet to truly find out how to stay in remission 24/7. I am learning through trial and error the elements of my lifestyle I have to avoid or limit.

I have a disease. The disease doesn’t have me.

I got to a point the last week or so, which some may call submission. Brilliant doctors across the globe are studying this disease and how it’s triggered. They’re studying how to treat it and keep their patients in remission. Right now, there isn’t a true “cure” so there is a good chance it could be with me for some time. I’m keenly aware of this and I know I’ve also navigated similar disruptions in the past. ~This too shall pass.

Although the physical aspect of the disease isn’t pretty, and I don’t wish it on anyone, I think the mental piece is actually harder because it is omnipresent. These are the daily thoughts of someone with Crohn’s Disease or UC:

  • What am I going to eat, and how will it make me feel?
  • (if) for some reason I shouldn’t feel good, is there a restroom nearby?
  • if not nearby, where is the closest one?
  • How long are we going to be in the car?
  • Am I actually feeling really good today… cup coffee, or a beer sounds lovely (but also problematic)
  • How long will I have to be on this medication?
  • How do I tell those close to me I need to back out of _____________ (meeting, event, trip, etc.) without being a huge flake?

Searching for the answers to these daily “lifestyle” questions can be anxious and exhausting and why I spend so much time trying to sharpen my mental axe. I know the disease is going to punch back, and when it does, I need to be ready. I need to be ready to show up for my family, my friends, my coworkers and yes…myself!

Perspective is Always Necessary

I have a friend battling cancer. First it was lung cancer (and he never smoked), he beat that…TWICE! Now he’s fighting the same fight against brain cancer with complete faith and his wife by his side. Wow!! To be that strong. Remarkable doesn’t even begin to describe it. But you can read about it here: Eat Pray Breathe

I leave this post thinking about reading more research and trying to gain a better understand of what “springtime” in the midwest has to do with my body annually battling inflammation. I wonder if others experience similar seasonality with symptoms? Either way, tomorrow is May 1st, and it will be back to work on restoring vitality and continuing momentum!

PS – my wife is amazing and always picks up the slack.

Anxiety, Neurosis, and Living a Life of Fear

There’s an epidemic gaining momentum in society.

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Obviously I don’t believe I’m alone or I wouldn’t write about it.  Anxiety and fear are leaving people feeling trapped, living a life alone with their own thoughts.

It all started for me about five years ago with my UC (ulcerative colitis) diagnosis.  What began as a disease of the large intestine and specifically the colon, spread to my head.

No it’s not cancer.  I’m referring to the negative thought process I became fixated on and concerned with 24/7.  Worry followed by more fear and worry.  Here is a small sampling of my thoughts from about five years ago to give you an idea of what I’m talking about:

  • Is this going to kill me?
  • What (if anything) could I eat any more?
  • Would it cause another attack?
  • What if I’m not near a bathroom? (near is a distance 15-20 seconds away at a panic jog rate)
  • What if I can’t eat anything?
  • Would I still be able to travel?
  • What if I got sick away from home?
  • How embarrassing is this going to be?
  • Eat more bananas? Damn it! More bananas?

Why am I telling you this?

Because I believe this is merely a glimpse at my struggle, and although it may not relate to you directly, I believe others need to know it’s okay to be afraid, but accepting of their fears.  What’s not okay is to let fear take over your thoughts, actions, and emotions 24/7 and ruin your life.  For me, this fear lead to panic, anxious thoughts, and uninitiated worry.

A couple years ago on the outside, I may have looked like I had it together, but on the inside I was a complete mess.

The “trifecta” I was living with included more than just the UC diagnosis and fears.  At the exact same time I was kicking a nasty nicotine habit (which needed to happen), while also facing a growing infertility challenge with my wife as we longed to start a family.  Brick by brick, a house of fears and frustration compiled.

It wasn’t until a couple years ago I realized the best medicine for my body wasn’t the two daily horse pills I take. I needed brain training for a reboot.  I’d personally beaten myself down with thoughts and feelings of insecurity and anxiousness.  Everywhere I went there was an undercurrent of fear riding in my sidecar.  If you can relate, you know what I’m talking about. The weeds find a way to grow, and they grow quickly!

What does this fear feel like?

It feels like a racing heartbeat.  Clammy and shivering hands.  Chills.  Feelings of being exhausted and alert at the same time.  It turned situations where I was 100% comfortable a couple years ago into fight or flight adrenaline jolts.  It sucked.

So how did I start to take back control?

Slowly. One step at a time my thinking had to be rebuilt.  Here’s what Ralph Waldo Emerson says,

A man is what he thinks about all day long.

The quote (and I’m not sure who said it), “Everyone has something,” kept running through my head.  “I’m not the only one in the world dealing with this, so stop being such a pansy ass,” I’d say to myself.  It could be so much worse.  I had to make a choice and commit to positivity and living life every day.

Commitment to change happened.

Radical change happens when a line is drawn in the sand and a person must be put to a decision.  In poker you would call this an “all-in” wager.  I didn’t want to wallow in the bullshit any longer.  I decided I’d own it and talk about it openly.  I chose to show others my hand (more card-speak), my insecurities, and not be afraid or embarrassed.  After all, this was me.  All of me, as John Legend puts it.

A crazy thing happens when you speak freely about fear.  It gets released.  When it’s released, it doesn’t carry with it the immense weight as it does in your thoughts.  It disappears like smoke from a fire into the night sky.  Seemingly never to have existed in the first place.

Tony Robbins teaches three things to help you get to this action decision.  You can find the link to his post here (How to Create Breakthrough in Any Area of Your Life)

  1. Change your strategy, change your result.
  2. Change your story, change your life.
  3. Change your state—you change it all!

The kryptonite to my fear, my anxiety, my neurosis wasn’t a pill (although I must admit a steroid pack helps a brother out from time to time if he gets run down and my stomach needs a boost).  No.  The answer lived in my thoughts, beliefs, and actions.  A funny thing happens when this choice is made.  You gain momentum and energy, and you never look back.

Thinking alone won’t ever cure me from my stomach disease or associated fears, but I’m not looking for that any more.  I’m not cured, I’m informed.  I’m committed to not living a life of fear and being a shell of my real self.  If that means saying no to a few more things, or resting when my body needs it, then so be it.

When the next challenge comes along (and it’s guaranteed to happen), I will be more prepared.  I will be more present in understanding what I’m feeling.  In the meantime, I’m going to hop on this black stallion called life and break her to live my way!

ACTION ITEM: I’ve been thinking about this post for some time.  A great deal of emotion came about when thinking about it.  It makes me feel even better writing it.  But, it’s not about me.  I know without a shred of doubt there are people struggling like I did.  If you are afraid, SO IS EVERYONE ELSE!

Make a choice to beat it.  If you’re a friend, make a choice to help them.  Life is far too short to be afraid all the time.