Category Archives: Professional Development

Life is About Understanding Incentives

Incentives are everywhere. They’re all around us. You’ll have a better chance at navigating life, if you can better understand the incentives in play and learn to play the game on your terms.

I hope to challenge your thinking here, open your aperture and see the world through a new lens.

Who Loves Taxes?

The Author and CPA Tom Wheelwright says, “the tax code is a list of incentives the government wants entrepreneurs and investors to use.” That was certainly an eye-opening way for me to look at taxes. Let’s go deeper.

We’ll never forget this 2016 Presidential Debate moment when Hilary Clinton thought she’d staple Donald Trump against the wall for stating, “He doesn’t pay taxes!” And what was Donald’s response? “Because I’m smart!”

Now regardless of how you feel about either of them, what people need to understand is Donald (love him or hate him) understands tax incentives. What do these incentives look like? The government rewards entrepreneurs or developers, for building housing, or creating jobs. It’s in the IRS tax code. Curious how this works?

Lets say you build a property for $10,000,000. Relatively a small number, but in doing so there is depreciation expense the owner of that property gets to write off for the next 27.5 years against the income. So if the owner depreciates the property $363,000 per year, any income they generate up to but not excluding $363,000 isn’t taxable. If you want to get mad, get mad at Congress. It’s the law and it’s legal. That’s why the wealthy love real estate. They can generate income, and not pay taxes. Legally.

Ask Robert Kiyosaki the author of the hit Rich Dad Poor Dad how he feels about taxes. He sees them as a game. What draws developers to “Opportunity Zones” in developing real estate? Tax incentives. Who better to understand this than those who write the code? The IRS! Incentives are everywhere.

Lets Look at Employment

There is a good chance if you have a job, your employment contract contains expectations for your role. Those expectations contain incentives. So what’s the incentive? A paycheck. And if you’re in sales or a revenue role, there very likely is a variable incentive or “commission” you can obtain. Why? The business will reward you for the behavior they’re looking for(higher top line revenues). If your compensation has recently been changed, it’s because the business is looking to change behavior and reward different outcomes. Pay close attention to these changes and take advantage.

I’m an avid listener of the FOUNDERS podcast (Learn from history’s greatest entrepreneurs. Every week the host reads a biography of an entrepreneur and find ideas you can use in your work). What’s one consistent theme of the greatest entrepreneurs across hundreds of episodes? They all have a knack or deeply understand the power of incentives to drive the behaviors needed in their business.

How about Healthcare?

I can’t even call it health care with a straight face. It’s SICK-Care, and it’s not well done. Why do we need to understand these incentives? Because in my opinion, the incentive isn’t for a doctor to make you well, or have a holistic view of your health. Their job is to write prescriptions and move you along. Why is it the average doctor visit is only minutes long? Because their incentive is to see MORE patients. Not cure you and all those waiting. Really think about this. It’s worse as you go down the specialty medicine path as they only focus on their trained discipline. Getting a new prescription? This happened to me a little over a year ago, and I asked my GI doctor outright, “are you incentivized to get me on this medication?” That got awkward. But the question remained, “is this about me, and my health…or your incentive?!?!”

Insurance Costs

Insurance companies are becoming more interested in the overall/general health of its customers. But they want to know the numbers. So much so, that if you submit annual blood work, and physical, they’ll reduce your annual rate by upwards of 30%! Seems to be a pretty solid incentive.

Why are they doing this? They’re dangling the incentive of cost savings to you, because it will likely drop their liability ten fold by having a better view of those they’re insuring. I’m fine with it either way, just understand the incentive.

Does the NBA Know Incentives?

They sure as hell do, and it just cost Luka Doncic $100,000,000 (yes, one hundred MILLION) by getting traded to the Los Angles Lakers!! Why? Because the NBA incentivizes players to stay in the city they were drafted in, by rewarding them with larger “Super Max” contracts. Otherwise, all the stars would end up in: LA, Boston, Miami, etc. and leave the small market: Oklahoma City, Milwaukee, Memphis, Sacramento, and so on. So instead of signing a 5-year, $350M contract this summer in Dallas where he was drafted, he’ll have to settle for a 5-year, $250M contract in LA. Not sure how he’ll afford the eggs…

Keep Your Eyes Open for Incentives

Everyone around you is trying to get something done. Don’t be naive. If you can look around the corner, you can better understand the behavior they’re looking for. The next step is choosing if, or how you’d like to participate.

Silent Killers: The Two Dangers Men Overlook

If something were killing you, would you stop?

It’s likely your brain immediately triggered thoughts like: smoking, alcohol, and drug abuse. Although these are undoubtedly killers, what I’m referring to is less obvious, and even more subtle. And yet it’s happening to men every day.

My current life journey has me in my early 40s. Given the average life expectancy for a male in the United States, I’m somewhere around the half way point in this earthly existence. This time period in life is usually an excellent trigger for a mid-life crisis…and I think I’m feeling one. But I’m coming to mine in a different way.

I’m not about to buy a convertible sports car, or a boat, or Motorcycle, get a tattoo, or get a second wife 20 years my junior. Our good friends at Forbes give us these 15 signs to look out for a Mid-Life Crisis. It’s a pretty good list and many make sense.

As I previously stated, I’m arriving at my crisis in a different mindset. Battling some health and anxiety challenges in my 30s and early 40s brought me to understand the two most valuable things anyone can have are: Health and Time.

What I’m discerning from my experience isn’t that I need a new adrenaline rush or dopamine hit from a lavish purchase. It’s a wake up call that I need to be prepared and able to live with vitality the next 42 years (Que Song: Tim McGraw, “My Next 30 Years“). Right now, is when the silent killers start taking shape…and it’s likely you don’t even know it!

Silent Killer One: Immobility

From the National Institute on Aging: Older adults who lose their mobility are less likely to remain living at home; have higher rates of disease, disability, hospitalization, and death; and have poorer quality of life.

Anyone signing up for that?

I’m fortunate enough to live in a community with many incredibly “active” retirees. I’m fortunate because every day I get to see many of them set a wonderful example of what it’s like to live with vitality into your 60s, 70s and 80s. They walk, swim, play pickle ball, ride bikes, exercise and golf four to five times a week (sometimes more). This group is an active tribe of travelers and their fire for continued exploration burns bright. They do these things because they have the energy and mobility to allow them to explore.

There is a really good chance if you’re in your 30s or 40s with kids, your Google calendar looks like a paint by number exercise. It’s jam packed with commitments, events, practices, pickups, play dates, and the list goes on. Oh yeah…you probably have a career too, so there goes 8am-5pm!

This does two things for a person. The first is the relentless schedule wears them down physically. The second is it wears you down mentally. Guess what happens next? In the pursuit of “convenience”, bad choices can easily be made because willpower is shot. More time is spent sitting, and diet choices can go by the wayside. The sedentary lifestyle begins to emerge and slowly, mobility is lost. Newton’s first law of motion states,

“An object at rest, stays at rest”

I came to the strong realization, if I can’t move, what life do I really have? Instead, I’m looking to embody the words of the Dylan Thomas Poem: Do Not Go Gentle Into that Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

If this hits home for you, like it did me, my plea to you is to GET MOVING and do it now!. It’s better to wear out, than rust out

Second Silent Killer: Boredom

Say “Retirement” out loud. Feels blissful just saying it doesn’t it? Imagine, for a moment in time years from now. You’re in your 60s and healthy. You’ve retired from the need to work every day for income and you’re financially secure. The kids are out of the house and it’s quiet. Almost too quiet. The coming days, weeks and months’ commitments are few. Exhale.

Here’s the issue.

Now what?

I think about and frequently write about the journey toward early retirement. But now as that journey moves closer to reality year after year, I’m asking myself another question. What will I do with the time? I’m sure as hell not going to make sure the bird feeder is full and catch up on the latest crossword. BORING!!

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful

I imagine a machinist, or someone who spent nearly 40 years working on an assembly line, or laborer doing some sort of monotonous task. The sheer relief from NOT doing that every day has to be an ungodly relief. But the void of time must be filled. What will you do every day when your commitments were to an employer? What will you do that challenges you and keeps your mind fresh and vibrant?

I come at this from a different angle. I like what I do and it’s unlikely I ever stop doing some form of Marketing, Sales and Storytelling. Otherwise, I’ll be bored and BOREDOM is absolutely the enemy.

Here’s the real truth. Many don’t have to wait for boredom to hit in their sixties. It’s happening RIGHT NOW in the life they live. I speak confidently on this, as a friend I was having coffee with two days ago said the words out loud, “I’m bored with what I’m doing.” My response? You need to knock that shit off and find something to energize your efforts. Boredom is the enemy!

Couples are also experiencing the fallout of boredom. An early relationship driven by curiosity, passion, love and lust, changes when kids arrive and life becomes a hectic pursuit of events and milestones. Next thing you know, these same couples wake up 20-25 years later to an empty house wondering who the other person is that’s also there. Tell me you’ve seen these people. We all know them. They’ve been bored for years!

Boredom in your relationship is a KILLER!!!

Most men die at 25, but just aren’t buried until they’re 75 ~ Ben Franklin

The purpose of this post is to shine a light on a topic I think many men feel, but many overlook. I also hope to add fuel, or be the spark to the engine of change. Making changes NOW, in your 30s, 40s, or 50s has the ability to pay massive dividends in the decades to come. Decades of experiences await those who remain vigilant in maintaining their mobility and continue to pursue challenges and intellectual pursuits.

Do not go gentle into that good night!

A Year in Review: 2024

It’s that time of year.

I’m incredibly fortunate to work in a business that goes fairly idle around the holidays. Every year, I try to use the time to reflect, reconnect to my goals, and overall relax headed into the new year. In the last 8-10 days I’ve done just that.

But…my ambition usually gets the best of me just after Christmas and I become restless. I’m off thinking about bigger and better things in the year come. But before I get there, I’m going to reflect on 2024 targets.

  • 250 Peloton Rides: Goal Accomplished! I’ll end the year around 300 total rides which makes sense with about 5-6 per week. Outside of the immediate health and fitness benefits, I feel better, sleep better and feel like I’m a better overall human after I’m off the bike, drenched in sweat.
  • 15,000 Pull Ups: Goal Accomplished! I’ll land right around 16,000 and that’s with taking the last 2-3 weeks off dealing with some Elbow pain on the inside of my elbow (referred to as Golfer’s Elbow). I was hoping to get on to 17,000+ but with the recent pain and injury, I’ve been able to settle in to feeling accomplished on staying consistent enough to get to 16,000. [math = just over 50/day x 300 days]
  • Scorecard Accountability: Accomplished! I remain very committed to keeping track of the right efforts based on key vitality indicators in my life. Meditation, Exercise, Church, Reading/Listening to Book, 24 Hr. Fasting, and Date Nights are all accounted for monthly. If I have one major room for improvement into 2025 it’s the Date Nights. I’ve got to do better here and have a few ideas to do that in 2025.
  • Investing Goals: Mostly Accomplished. Without being too specific, I’ve got targets for personal savings and debt reduction that play into Net Worth and Financial Independence. I ensure monthly contributions to Vanguard brokerage accounts are met. The last piece I missed on was a Real Estate deal this year to invest in, but nothing penciled. That said, there are a couple opportunities on the front burner for 2025! The BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) of retiring by end of 2027 remains present and possible.
  • Individual Coaching: Work to Do/Incomplete. I set a goal of coaching (3) people in 2024. I love discussing what drives others and how to get them to establish progress and harness momentum in pursuit of their goals. As Tony Robbins says, “Progress equals Happiness” and I love being part of the process. I need to get more specific on what this looks like in 2025.

All told 2024 was a year of tremendous progress toward BIG goals and a year where I continued to gain momentum and execute good habits with consistency.

If you happen to read for insight. I thank you.

If you shared content produced here. I thank you.

If you stumbled upon this content in 2024, I’m happy to see you.

Every year, I’m challenged with committing to continuing the storytelling. Wouldn’t you know it… just a week ago someone reached out and encouraged me to “Keep Going…it makes an impact!”

Enough said. See you in 2025!!

What does Ikigai Mean, and Why You Should Care??

I spent 45-60 mins listening to recent Tim Ferriss podcast with guest: Martha Beck. The resounding point I took away from my listen en route to a soccer game in frigid temps was this. Find Joy!

Pay close attention to the things, people, surroundings, events, activities that bring JOY! Follow them like the path of a wilderness tracker (which lead me to read the book: The Lion Tracker’s Guide to Life)

JOY in life is the goal. It’s not numerical. It’s not objective. Yet, we all have the skills to say, this “feels” right…or it doesn’t. Use these “feels” as a compass to draw you near, or steer you away from the path you find yourself on if it doesn’t bring JOY.

As luck would have it, I also stumbled across the Japanese word: Ikigai (from a LinkedIn Post). Shoutout to Matt Gray for this share, because I don’t know if I could’ve outlined my thoughts much better. And if “start a business” makes you feel uncomfortable, insert [find the career for you] in 2024! The same holds true.

Also on the Tim Ferriss show, the famous author Jim Collins, famously starting keeping track of his days in an incredibly simple scoring format of [-2, -1, 0, +1, or +2] days. Each day was catalogued with a simple note detailing what he was up to. What was he looking for? Where did it take him?

He was seeking JOY!: Jim knew he MUST spend 1,000 “creative hours” a year to find joy…to be happy.

We’re all on a path, but it doesn’t mean we need to stay there. Pay attention to the feels, and follow them wherever they may lead!!!

Living a Rich Life

Ask me when I was 12 what I wanted to be when I grew up, and short of naming a career, I also likely enthusiastically stated, “I want to be rich!”

Notice, I did not wish to be “wealthy”…but that’s another topic for another day. Youthful ignorance at it’s finest.

Who doesn’t want to be rich? Especially at a young age. Here’s the thing though, I don’t think the desire goes away as you grow older and I’ll make the argument “a rich life” evolves over time. But what does being “rich” really mean?

If I asked you, “how much would it take to be rich (monetarily speaking), what would you say?” Would the answer be the prototypical…One million dollars!!! Ok, that will last all of 10-20 years based on basic lifestyle choices. So maybe that’s not the right answer…

Right, double it! Two Million Dollars!!!!

Nope. Wrong again.

Rich isn’t about a million, or your second million, or your tenth million, although I’m all for these things. Rich is a definition of lifestyle and it’s entirely in the eyes of the beholder. When I was little I wasn’t thinking of Scrooge McDuck swimming in millions of coins. I wanted the lifestyle choices richness would provide.

A few years ago I read Ramit Sethi’s book, “I Will Teach You to be Rich” and I highly recommend it. While Ramit teaches many things on financial security and is definitely a [numbers guy] in every sense of the word, the #1 takeaway I had from the book was Ramit’s definition of, “A Rich Life”. Ramit recommends spending aggressively on the few things that bring you great joy. [note I said few, not everything]

I’m going off memory but here are a couple Rich lifestyle choices from Ramit:

  • Fly business class
  • Indulge in the nicest of sweaters (Ramit loves a great Cashmere Sweater)
  • Supply travel to family for large annual getaway

What is a Rich Life?

Ask yourself that question. What is does my “rich life” consist of?

  • To one person, it’s the ability to own their own an acreage on the outside of town, to have a family they care for deeply, and the ability to hunt & fish whenever they get the opportunity.
  • To someone in their 20’s free of commitment and short on responsibilities, their rich life is full of travel, living near or with close friends and experiencing all the world has to offer. This might include indulging in the hottest new restaurant, a great apartment and some hip fashion choices.
  • To someone in their 70’s, a rich life might look like complete financial freedom, escaping to warm weather in the winter, closeness to grandchildren and their ability to give endlessly to local charity via their time and accumulated wealth.

My point is you can make $50,000/yr and be rich. You can make $500,000 a year and be miserable in empty pursuits of “things” you think will make you happy.

Putting a holiday bow on this post, here are the elements of my Rich Life:

  • I wanted to live on a golf course (check)
  • Travel multiple times a year with wife & family. Minimum (1x to the ocean, 1x to the mountains) – it’s good for the mind & soul
  • Freedom with Income – This one is a work in progress, but I need income to show up every month regardless of employment. With the ultimate goal of financial freedom by 45. It’s not that I won’t work. It’s not needing the income to live. This creates flexibility to explore endless opportunity!
  • Experiences with Close Friends – I want to play golf and attend sporting events with those closest to me with unfailing consistency. Maybe top each off with a great meal and glass of wine!
  • Being in G-R-E-A-T physical health to have the energy and vitality to live a life free of restraint due to health limitations.

Notice what’s not on here. What I wear. What I drive. It’s all ephemeral.
~Merry Christmas all

None is Profound, Because There is So Much

Last week I was flying back from Boston and a recent business trip. While doing so, it’s quite common for me to catch up on a podcast or audiobook.

I happened to be listening to The Tim Ferriss Show and a recent podcast with Morgan Housel. This was of interest to me as I just wrapped up reading his book: The Psychology of Money. I love Tim’s longer form conversations as they get much deeper into a person’s feelings and beliefs.

Later into the podcast, Morgan said something profound. So profound in fact, that I stopped, hit rewind and listened to it again as I transcribed the thoughts into my notebook. Then I rewound again to ensure I heard it right!

What did he say?

He said, “None of it is profound, because there is soooooo much of it.” Now what was he talking about? Without me telling you directly, I decided to think about what could be on this list…and it’s rather long.

  • The News. It used to be once a day. Now with cable news it’s 24/7 and delivers the value of empty calories. Morgan asks, how profound would the news be if it was 1x per year? Rather meaningful right?
  • Luxury. If you think about it, luxury in America is all around us, but we’re so spoiled we don’t see it.
  • Rest/Relaxation. The goal isn’t to rest 24/7, although some think it is. Rest and relaxation are to be earned to be appreciated. A life without struggle isn’t worth living.
  • True Connection – Today it’s easier to connect with someone across the world than it’s ever been. And yet, true connection in society is more distant than it’s ever been.
  • Christmas Gifts – Yes, it’s that time of year to bless those around us with gifts. But do so with dozens, and they lose meaning. Chose wisely.
  • Information. There’s never been more information available. We don’t have an information problem. We have a discernment and action problem. When all information is important, we become paralyzed in execution.
  • False Beauty. Open your phone and you can find millions of photos perfectly posed and manicured for distribution and “likability”. Shredded men. Bikini clad babes. Everyone with a phone is a model.

More for the sake of more, leads us down a dangerous path. One I know I can be guilty of. Like a rich kid with infinite resources and a cocaine habit. Every hit, more unfulfilling than the last…but the chase must go on!

Where does this take us?

For me, it’s a reminder to do my annual retreat into the book Essentialism. Less but better. Fewer choices, well-executed create real value and meaning. Rid the mind of more for the sake of more, and instead be in a search for impact and vitality.

Ten Questions I Pondered on Vacation

I recently returned from a getaway with the Mrs. to Marco Island, FL. We stayed at the JW Marriott, and if you haven’t been…I highly recommend it. Especially the “adults only” side of the resort [Paradise by Sirene]. We relaxed and read by the water. Jet skied with sea turtles. Walked the beautiful beaches, saw a few dolphins, ate delicious meals and generally took in our surroundings with tremendous gratitude.

Needless to say, with no kids present, there is always ample time to think on a retreat of this nature. I always keep my journal near by and this time was no different. Instead of plotting out moves for the next five years (as I’m prone to do), this time I thought to challenge myself with questions to help open up my mind to what possibilities the future could hold. The list below reflects questions about: health, family, fulfillment, wealth building, happiness and much more. I wrote many, but here are ten of my favorites I’m thinking about post-vacation.

TEN QUESTIONS

  1. What activity drives you to feel most happy/fulfilled?
  2. What does my family need from me to be their best selves?
  3. Where are the wealthy finding opportunity in this high interest rate environment?
  4. What foods leave me feeling energized and full of vitality?
  5. What new experiences am I hungry to explore?
  6. What would I need to do, to make the next 5 months a killer end to 2023?
  7. Where can I show up more for friends/peers?
  8. What past drama/trauma am I hanging on to, that I need to let go of?
  9. What new “micro-habit” will unlock many other doors to progress?
  10. What stands between where I am now, and where I want to go?

I’ll spend the next few weeks really thinking through and articulating well thought out answers to each of these asks. I’m hopeful the 10 questions above will cause you to pause and do some thinking on your life and trajectory.

Looking Good, Feeling…Frustrated

I’ve always been particularly aware of how I look. I would even be so aware to call it vain at times. Today is no different. The guy on the left is prideful of the work and results. The guy on the right knows the inside looks presents different challenges from the outside.

It’s the end of the month, which means I’m wrapping up my monthly scorecard. The sole reason for my Monthly Scorecard is to focus on those efforts which provide vitality and energy. The side effective is a positive one, and it is being in shape. But I believe it also helps keep my autoimmune disease at bay, most of the time…

Another Spring Time. Another Flare.

I believe this is the 3rd year in a row I experienced an Ulcerative Colitis flare up. I know for certain I had one last year and I’m pretty sure I had one in 2021 as the stress from Covid was having a major impact on everyone’s lives. Myself included.

Starting 2023, I was going to really attack the Scorecard work and ensure I was showing up for those around me as my best self. I’ve been incredibly diligent with my exercise and diet. Not perfect, but very few slip ups or cheats along the way, so the most recent internal discomfort came as a real shock to me. I was controlling the things I could control to a large degree. Here I am talking again about the word control. It was a prominent theme in my post about receiving therapy through Better Help. This is where I’ve spent time reflecting this last week as I had to miss out on a business trip.

The Illusion of Control

The whole reason for the monthly tracking was to distill down the essential efforts which selfishly, make me feel great as a person. It shouldn’t come as a shock, but with consistency my energy is higher, my sleep is better, my body “looks” better and I’m in control of my symptoms…but am I????

I realized the scorecard work is a daily mechanism and a lever of consistency I can count on. What it isn’t however, is a forcefield of control. I’ve yet to truly find out how to stay in remission 24/7. I am learning through trial and error the elements of my lifestyle I have to avoid or limit.

I have a disease. The disease doesn’t have me.

I got to a point the last week or so, which some may call submission. Brilliant doctors across the globe are studying this disease and how it’s triggered. They’re studying how to treat it and keep their patients in remission. Right now, there isn’t a true “cure” so there is a good chance it could be with me for some time. I’m keenly aware of this and I know I’ve also navigated similar disruptions in the past. ~This too shall pass.

Although the physical aspect of the disease isn’t pretty, and I don’t wish it on anyone, I think the mental piece is actually harder because it is omnipresent. These are the daily thoughts of someone with Crohn’s Disease or UC:

  • What am I going to eat, and how will it make me feel?
  • (if) for some reason I shouldn’t feel good, is there a restroom nearby?
  • if not nearby, where is the closest one?
  • How long are we going to be in the car?
  • Am I actually feeling really good today… cup coffee, or a beer sounds lovely (but also problematic)
  • How long will I have to be on this medication?
  • How do I tell those close to me I need to back out of _____________ (meeting, event, trip, etc.) without being a huge flake?

Searching for the answers to these daily “lifestyle” questions can be anxious and exhausting and why I spend so much time trying to sharpen my mental axe. I know the disease is going to punch back, and when it does, I need to be ready. I need to be ready to show up for my family, my friends, my coworkers and yes…myself!

Perspective is Always Necessary

I have a friend battling cancer. First it was lung cancer (and he never smoked), he beat that…TWICE! Now he’s fighting the same fight against brain cancer with complete faith and his wife by his side. Wow!! To be that strong. Remarkable doesn’t even begin to describe it. But you can read about it here: Eat Pray Breathe

I leave this post thinking about reading more research and trying to gain a better understand of what “springtime” in the midwest has to do with my body annually battling inflammation. I wonder if others experience similar seasonality with symptoms? Either way, tomorrow is May 1st, and it will be back to work on restoring vitality and continuing momentum!

PS – my wife is amazing and always picks up the slack.

The betterhelp Response – Overwhelming

The outpouring of responses from my latest post was intense in the best of ways. I had a very strong suspicion there were many others out there like me, experiencing the same [bottled up] feelings I had two years ago. What I didn’t know, is I’d hear from so many of you in droves. You are brave for reaching out and trusting in me to have the conversation!

THANK YOU!

In case you missed it, this is the post which sparked overwhelming response: My Journey with betterhelp.

I received this message from a friend I haven’t heard from in some time. I was instantly moved and felt connected. Here is a selection,

“Either way, thanks for posting that and in a weird way its a relief to know that I am not the only one going through it, but I also don’t like seeing people go through it either.”

I received DOZENS of messages like these

Lets be honest. I don’t have the reach of internet sensations: Tim Ferriss, or Rich Roll, or Brene Brown. I figured I’d receive a text and email or two from the post (because I almost always do), but the responses came pouring in and they came in almost immediately. In my nearly 10 years of blogging and sharing my perspective, I’ve NEVER gotten the feedback like I did here. Nor have I felt the instant gratitude to start conversations with people I connected with throughout my life.

I decided to anonymize those who sent feedback to show you what I already believed to be true. Many men are walking a similar journey and had similar stigma around getting help. Some have a history of struggle. Some are in it right now. But all have found a way to seek guidance or hear another voice…besides the voice in their head. If you reached out to me, here is a snippet of what your peers had to say! They appreciate you without even knowing it!

A Friend, an athlete, a great Dad

I read your post regarding therapy. I commend you for doing that, it’s not an easy thing to do much less post about it on your social media. I have been on again/ off again with therapy/ meds for anxiety and depression. A lot of the causes resonated with me because those are some of the same things that reared their ugly head when I was going through it/ still going through it. Either way, thanks for posting that and in a weird way its a relief to know that I am not the only one going through it, but I also don’t like seeing people go through it either. I am glad you got out of therapy what you did and are on the other side of it. I am still working through it, but therapy has helped.

A friend, a peer, a great Dad

Good post brother! I’ve met with Aaron Kampman quarterly for the last several years. https://www.thealignprocess.com/aaron-kampman From a mental health standpoint, it is freeing. For me, weight lifts off my shoulders after each session.

A Business Peer

Loved your post Zac. Thank you for your honesty and the courage to put yourself out there for others who may be feeling similarly or the same. I think many of us were/are in a similar boat, but as men, we typically are the last ones to seek out self-care, especially when we have others to care for who come first (wife/partner, child, parents, etc.) I know that’s the challenge I struggle with daily.

A friend, and a rebuilding story

Great post tonight! It hit home for me. It took going through a divorce, therapy, and a lot of self-reflection to get me back to my true self. The toughen up and push through it mentally doesn’t work, and it really just fuels anxiety to the point of changing who you really are. Being vulnerable is where it is at! Thanks for sharing!

A successful business associate, peer and Dad

I’m reaching out because I wanted to let you know that I saw your post about your journey with betterhelp, and I wanted to say THANK YOU for posting that! I’ve been struggling with certain things as well, predominantly professionally, and that post caught me at the exact right time!

A friend, business associate, and great Dad

Love the blog. Thanks for sharing. One of my favorite quotes…Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. It is the result of long and patient effort in self-control. Its presence is an indication of ripened experience, and of a more than ordinary knowledge of the laws and operations of thought. ~James Allen, As a Man Thinketh

As I was sweating through a Peloton ride this morning, my session ended with Emma Lovewell saying this,

When we show up for ourselves, we have the ability to show up as our best-self for others around us

My Journey with betterhelp

Let me be very upfront. I never thought I’d be here. It wasn’t part of my being, upbringing or belief system. Here means, writing these words and more importantly…sharing what is to follow. But if I don’t share, who will know? And sometimes all it takes is knowing someone else’s path to change yours!

It’s also important to know WHO I’m writing this for. Albeit, I hope this message can help 10s or 100s of young men, or fathers not feel alone in their feelings, there is one in particular I’m on the lookout for. My 8-year old son…who is yet to become a man. We are SO MUCH alike, I understand he may walk a similar path in his 20s, 30s or 40s and I want him to know where Dad was at a shared time of life. Love you Landon!

How did we get here?

This is a post about the dichotomy of security and vulnerability. Let me first say I’m incredibly hopeful and grateful in writing this post. I’m hopeful this message will reach another human (likely a male) who is looking for support or structure in uncertainty. I’m secure enough as a person to know I can share these thoughts without fear, and vulnerable enough to get to the truth in the process.

I’d like to be abundantly clear that I thought mental health and a person seeking ‘help’ were W-E-A-K when I was in my younger years. I’d experienced a few people around me who struggled with depression or anxiety, but I just didn’t get it. I couldn’t rationalize or empathize and like any young and arrogant 20-something I thought “toughen up” and “move through it” were the answers. I’m sorry I thought that. I’m sorry I was so naive.

I guess the old saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear” is at play here.

The Additive Components

As I get older, I’m becoming more of a thinker and try to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I don’t think the melancholy “feels” I had in 2021 were merely a result of COVID. That said, COVID may have been the great accelerator in the process! I believe the following stressful components were all at play over time:

  • Multiple Rounds of IVF to have our two kids (these are definitely stressful times and they added up)
  • Battling Ulcerative Colitis Flares – This is definitely a source of trauma for me since I was 27. I’ve gone through enough to know what to expect…and it isn’t pretty.
  • Never Ending Ambition and Achievement – I’m wired this way! Hard to shut it off.
  • Lockdowns and Kids at Home – Juggling a business that immediately took a turn into a ravine while having kids at home was flat out hard. Trying to find balance amongst it all was very challenging and I suck at balance.
  • COVID layoffs – One is hard, two is enough. I think I participated in three in total including 2020 and dealing with the wake of COVID. This left me feeling entirely hallow. Lives were being upended and as a leader, I felt responsible.
  • Resentment – I held this in a large capacity due to an expectation of a business deal/payoff that was likely floundering and consequent relationships left in that wake. Both put me in a sour and grumpy state quite regularly. The more I thought, the more betrayed I felt.
  • Relationship With my Wife – We weren’t in an awful state, but we weren’t good from the notable life changes we were both juggling above. Most days felt more like survival in a weird sense and everyone was on edge. She was trying to manage the kids while I looked after the business that was running poorly.
  • Daily Dose of Bad News – Every day upon waking from a Princess and the Pea “less than restful” night of sleep it was like I was waiting for impending doom. How much money had we lost? What clients disappeared? Who resigned? Who is sick? What can I do about any of this anyway?????

Add all these components up and you’ve got a toxic fear-based cocktail being consumed multiple times daily.

Falling into the Gray

A few weeks ago I stumbled on to the Unbreakable Podcast with host Jay Glazer after hearing it promoted. I was drawn to his very first guest and a man I have a great deal of respect for, Sean McVay. Together, they discuss what Jay labels as “the gray” and unpack what it means to both of them to be more vulnerable in their mental health journeys. I really encourage the listen as I thought it helped add a ton of context to what I was feeling and experiencing. It’s different for every person, but similar all the same. Jay also gave me the motivation to be “man enough” publish this post.

It All Took a Toll

The most meaningful steps I believe I took in my 30s were the steps toward more self-awareness (the good and the bad). Two years ago, I was self aware enough and at a point where I knew I just needed some help. Every day I seemed to feel worse and worse both physically and mentally. My physical body was taking a toll and I couldn’t continue on without a radical shift in behavior. I needed someone else with whom I could speak with who was unbiased and could rationalize a path forward.

Let me also be very clear that I never once thought about hurting myself or others around me. I’ve never been there and I can’t say I know anything about those feelings, but I’m undoubtably respectful of those who are in this place! I empathize with you. Seek help. Talk. Michael Phelps said it here, “It’s ok, to not be OK!”

I Raised My Hand – I Need Some Help

I’m not sure I can identify the mechanism of “how” I found betterhelp, but I’m incredibly happy I did. It may honestly have been the social-distancing necessity of the pandemic and the virtual nature of all things meant this guy didn’t have to sit down across from someone I didn’t know and pour out my feelings(in person). I don’t know if my pride or ego was ready for that. Moving forward, it felt like the right answer and I was assigned a therapist based on a questionnaire they provided. We were off. My first session was scheduled…and I was nervous as hell.

~PAUSE~ Holy Shit…am I really doing this???

Oh my god. Was I ready for this? What did I just sign up for? What questions would she ask? Would I be vulnerable enough to tell the truth? (yes, us men struggle with this if it means violating our “manhood”) What if I needed more help? What if I cried? What if…

What if…This Was Exactly What I Needed?

I took notes on the process and found the back-and-forth journaling exercises from betterhelp to be very helpful. My journey started with some EMDR therapy to slow me down (My words, not the therapist’s). I needed to unwind all that had become fiercely tangled up. Next, we truly unpacked each of the elements leading up to why I was there in the first place. One by One. Every experience. Every element of PTSD I was laboring over. I was caught in a feedback loop and the merry-go-round was spinning too fast to get off or even let go.

After only a few sessions I feel like I changed my tone from “fix me, I’m broken,” to a much more curious person ready to explore who’d I’d become as a result of all the elements noted above. I’d been able to gain control of what I was experiencing and talk through it. I was still stressed, but I felt like the possibility of feeling better (not stressed 24/7) existed again. I once heard meditation described as, being able to look at the washing machine, from the outside, while it is running. I feel this way about my experience with therapy.

After a few months, some serious self care and inner work, I was starting to feel like myself again. I was getting my swagger back. I think part of this was timing of how the world was coming out of the pandemic, but I also believe I’d become much more at peace with what I could and couldn’t control. After all, that’s what all of this is about isn’t it? Control and expectations!

Looking Forward

I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be. I have many thoughts, but don’t own all the answers. This is yet another example of life happening to me and being vulnerable enough to know I needed guidance. I hope this message can find someone in need of help and know a stubborn, sometimes overly-confident and prideful person like myself walked a similar path to find resources.

My therapist left me with these thoughts. “Life will most certainly get hard again at some point. Lean on these experiences to get through it smoother than you did last time and know you have tools at your disposal to slow it all down. It’s very likely you will encounter another Colitis flare in life…and you can work to get through it, just as you have the rest of them.”

I don’t know if ALL THERAPY works. What I know, is that I’m incredibly grateful to the betterhelp team and my therapist who helped me get through a tough patch in my life. You removed any stigma I had around the thought of seeking help and I hope others can follow a similar path if needed.

To Landon, should you be reading this years from now, know that it’s ok to talk to Dad openly about it and what you may be experiencing. I’ll listen!