I spent 45-60 mins listening to recent Tim Ferriss podcast with guest: Martha Beck. The resounding point I took away from my listen en route to a soccer game in frigid temps was this. Find Joy!
Pay close attention to the things, people, surroundings, events, activities that bring JOY! Follow them like the path of a wilderness tracker (which lead me to read the book: The Lion Tracker’s Guide to Life)
JOY in life is the goal. It’s not numerical. It’s not objective. Yet, we all have the skills to say, this “feels” right…or it doesn’t. Use these “feels” as a compass to draw you near, or steer you away from the path you find yourself on if it doesn’t bring JOY.
As luck would have it, I also stumbled across the Japanese word: Ikigai (from a LinkedIn Post). Shoutout to Matt Gray for this share, because I don’t know if I could’ve outlined my thoughts much better. And if “start a business” makes you feel uncomfortable, insert [find the career for you] in 2024! The same holds true.
Also on the Tim Ferriss show, the famous author Jim Collins, famously starting keeping track of his days in an incredibly simple scoring format of [-2, -1, 0, +1, or +2] days. Each day was catalogued with a simple note detailing what he was up to. What was he looking for? Where did it take him?
He was seeking JOY!: Jim knew he MUST spend 1,000 “creative hours” a year to find joy…to be happy.
We’re all on a path, but it doesn’t mean we need to stay there. Pay attention to the feels, and follow them wherever they may lead!!!
Ask me when I was 12 what I wanted to be when I grew up, and short of naming a career, I also likely enthusiastically stated, “I want to be rich!”
Notice, I did not wish to be “wealthy”…but that’s another topic for another day. Youthful ignorance at it’s finest.
Who doesn’t want to be rich? Especially at a young age. Here’s the thing though, I don’t think the desire goes away as you grow older and I’ll make the argument “a rich life” evolves over time. But what does being “rich” really mean?
If I asked you, “how much would it take to be rich (monetarily speaking), what would you say?” Would the answer be the prototypical…One million dollars!!! Ok, that will last all of 10-20 years based on basic lifestyle choices. So maybe that’s not the right answer…
Right, double it! Two Million Dollars!!!!
Nope. Wrong again.
Rich isn’t about a million, or your second million, or your tenth million, although I’m all for these things. Rich is a definition of lifestyle and it’s entirely in the eyes of the beholder. When I was little I wasn’t thinking of Scrooge McDuck swimming in millions of coins. I wanted the lifestyle choices richness would provide.
A few years ago I read Ramit Sethi’s book, “I Will Teach You to be Rich” and I highly recommend it. While Ramit teaches many things on financial security and is definitely a [numbers guy] in every sense of the word, the #1 takeaway I had from the book was Ramit’s definition of, “A Rich Life”. Ramit recommends spending aggressively on the few things that bring you great joy. [note I said few, not everything]
I’m going off memory but here are a couple Rich lifestyle choices from Ramit:
Fly business class
Indulge in the nicest of sweaters (Ramit loves a great Cashmere Sweater)
Supply travel to family for large annual getaway
What is a Rich Life?
Ask yourself that question. What is does my “rich life” consist of?
To one person, it’s the ability to own their own an acreage on the outside of town, to have a family they care for deeply, and the ability to hunt & fish whenever they get the opportunity.
To someone in their 20’s free of commitment and short on responsibilities, their rich life is full of travel, living near or with close friends and experiencing all the world has to offer. This might include indulging in the hottest new restaurant, a great apartment and some hip fashion choices.
To someone in their 70’s, a rich life might look like complete financial freedom, escaping to warm weather in the winter, closeness to grandchildren and their ability to give endlessly to local charity via their time and accumulated wealth.
My point is you can make $50,000/yr and be rich. You can make $500,000 a year and be miserable in empty pursuits of “things” you think will make you happy.
Putting a holiday bow on this post, here are the elements of my Rich Life:
I wanted to live on a golf course (check)
Travel multiple times a year with wife & family. Minimum (1x to the ocean, 1x to the mountains) – it’s good for the mind & soul
Freedom with Income – This one is a work in progress, but I need income to show up every month regardless of employment. With the ultimate goal of financial freedom by 45. It’s not that I won’t work. It’s not needing the income to live. This creates flexibility to explore endless opportunity!
Experiences with Close Friends – I want to play golf and attend sporting events with those closest to me with unfailing consistency. Maybe top each off with a great meal and glass of wine!
Being in G-R-E-A-T physical health to have the energy and vitality to live a life free of restraint due to health limitations.
Notice what’s not on here. What I wear. What I drive. It’s all ephemeral. ~Merry Christmas all
Last week I was flying back from Boston and a recent business trip. While doing so, it’s quite common for me to catch up on a podcast or audiobook.
I happened to be listening to The Tim Ferriss Show and a recent podcast with Morgan Housel. This was of interest to me as I just wrapped up reading his book: The Psychology of Money. I love Tim’s longer form conversations as they get much deeper into a person’s feelings and beliefs.
Later into the podcast, Morgan said something profound. So profound in fact, that I stopped, hit rewind and listened to it again as I transcribed the thoughts into my notebook. Then I rewound again to ensure I heard it right!
What did he say?
He said, “None of it is profound, because there is soooooo much of it.” Now what was he talking about? Without me telling you directly, I decided to think about what could be on this list…and it’s rather long.
The News. It used to be once a day. Now with cable news it’s 24/7 and delivers the value of empty calories. Morgan asks, how profound would the news be if it was 1x per year? Rather meaningful right?
Luxury. If you think about it, luxury in America is all around us, but we’re so spoiled we don’t see it.
Rest/Relaxation. The goal isn’t to rest 24/7, although some think it is. Rest and relaxation are to be earned to be appreciated. A life without struggle isn’t worth living.
True Connection – Today it’s easier to connect with someone across the world than it’s ever been. And yet, true connection in society is more distant than it’s ever been.
Christmas Gifts – Yes, it’s that time of year to bless those around us with gifts. But do so with dozens, and they lose meaning. Chose wisely.
Information. There’s never been more information available. We don’t have an information problem. We have a discernment and action problem. When all information is important, we become paralyzed in execution.
False Beauty. Open your phone and you can find millions of photos perfectly posed and manicured for distribution and “likability”. Shredded men. Bikini clad babes. Everyone with a phone is a model.
More for the sake of more, leads us down a dangerous path. One I know I can be guilty of. Like a rich kid with infinite resources and a cocaine habit. Every hit, more unfulfilling than the last…but the chase must go on!
Where does this take us?
For me, it’s a reminder to do my annual retreat into the book Essentialism. Less but better. Fewer choices, well-executed create real value and meaning. Rid the mind of more for the sake of more, and instead be in a search for impact and vitality.
I recently returned from a getaway with the Mrs. to Marco Island, FL. We stayed at the JW Marriott, and if you haven’t been…I highly recommend it. Especially the “adults only” side of the resort [Paradise by Sirene]. We relaxed and read by the water. Jet skied with sea turtles. Walked the beautiful beaches, saw a few dolphins, ate delicious meals and generally took in our surroundings with tremendous gratitude.
Needless to say, with no kids present, there is always ample time to think on a retreat of this nature. I always keep my journal near by and this time was no different. Instead of plotting out moves for the next five years (as I’m prone to do), this time I thought to challenge myself with questions to help open up my mind to what possibilities the future could hold. The list below reflects questions about: health, family, fulfillment, wealth building, happiness and much more. I wrote many, but here are ten of my favorites I’m thinking about post-vacation.
TEN QUESTIONS
What activity drives you to feel most happy/fulfilled?
What does my family need from me to be their best selves?
Where are the wealthy finding opportunity in this high interest rate environment?
What foods leave me feeling energized and full of vitality?
What new experiences am I hungry to explore?
What would I need to do, to make the next 5 months a killer end to 2023?
Where can I show up more for friends/peers?
What past drama/trauma am I hanging on to, that I need to let go of?
What new “micro-habit” will unlock many other doors to progress?
What stands between where I am now, and where I want to go?
I’ll spend the next few weeks really thinking through and articulating well thought out answers to each of these asks. I’m hopeful the 10 questions above will cause you to pause and do some thinking on your life and trajectory.
I’ve always been particularly aware of how I look. I would even be so aware to call it vain at times. Today is no different. The guy on the left is prideful of the work and results. The guy on the right knows the inside looks presents different challenges from the outside.
It’s the end of the month, which means I’m wrapping up my monthly scorecard. The sole reason for my Monthly Scorecard is to focus on those efforts which provide vitality and energy. The side effective is a positive one, and it is being in shape. But I believe it also helps keep my autoimmune disease at bay, most of the time…
Another Spring Time. Another Flare.
I believe this is the 3rd year in a row I experienced an Ulcerative Colitis flare up. I know for certain I had one last year and I’m pretty sure I had one in 2021 as the stress from Covid was having a major impact on everyone’s lives. Myself included.
Starting 2023, I was going to really attack the Scorecard work and ensure I was showing up for those around me as my best self. I’ve been incredibly diligent with my exercise and diet. Not perfect, but very few slip ups or cheats along the way, so the most recent internal discomfort came as a real shock to me. I was controlling the things I could control to a large degree. Here I am talking again about the word control. It was a prominent theme in my post about receiving therapy through Better Help. This is where I’ve spent time reflecting this last week as I had to miss out on a business trip.
The Illusion of Control
The whole reason for the monthly tracking was to distill down the essential efforts which selfishly, make me feel great as a person. It shouldn’t come as a shock, but with consistency my energy is higher, my sleep is better, my body “looks” better and I’m in control of my symptoms…but am I????
I realized the scorecard work is a daily mechanism and a lever of consistency I can count on. What it isn’t however, is a forcefield of control. I’ve yet to truly find out how to stay in remission 24/7. I am learning through trial and error the elements of my lifestyle I have to avoid or limit.
I have a disease. The disease doesn’t have me.
I got to a point the last week or so, which some may call submission. Brilliant doctors across the globe are studying this disease and how it’s triggered. They’re studying how to treat it and keep their patients in remission. Right now, there isn’t a true “cure” so there is a good chance it could be with me for some time. I’m keenly aware of this and I know I’ve also navigated similar disruptions in the past. ~This too shall pass.
Although the physical aspect of the disease isn’t pretty, and I don’t wish it on anyone, I think the mental piece is actually harder because it is omnipresent. These are the daily thoughts of someone with Crohn’s Disease or UC:
What am I going to eat, and how will it make me feel?
(if) for some reason I shouldn’t feel good, is there a restroom nearby?
if not nearby, where is the closest one?
How long are we going to be in the car?
Am I actually feeling really good today… cup coffee, or a beer sounds lovely (but also problematic)
How long will I have to be on this medication?
How do I tell those close to me I need to back out of _____________ (meeting, event, trip, etc.) without being a huge flake?
Searching for the answers to these daily “lifestyle” questions can be anxious and exhausting and why I spend so much time trying to sharpen my mental axe. I know the disease is going to punch back, and when it does, I need to be ready. I need to be ready to show up for my family, my friends, my coworkers and yes…myself!
Perspective is Always Necessary
I have a friend battling cancer. First it was lung cancer (and he never smoked), he beat that…TWICE! Now he’s fighting the same fight against brain cancer with complete faith and his wife by his side. Wow!! To be that strong. Remarkable doesn’t even begin to describe it. But you can read about it here: Eat Pray Breathe
I leave this post thinking about reading more research and trying to gain a better understand of what “springtime” in the midwest has to do with my body annually battling inflammation. I wonder if others experience similar seasonality with symptoms? Either way, tomorrow is May 1st, and it will be back to work on restoring vitality and continuing momentum!
PS – my wife is amazing and always picks up the slack.
The outpouring of responses from my latest post was intense in the best of ways. I had a very strong suspicion there were many others out there like me, experiencing the same [bottled up] feelings I had two years ago. What I didn’t know, is I’d hear from so many of you in droves. You are brave for reaching out and trusting in me to have the conversation!
THANK YOU!
In case you missed it, this is the post which sparked overwhelming response: My Journey with betterhelp.
I received this message from a friend I haven’t heard from in some time. I was instantly moved and felt connected. Here is a selection,
“Either way, thanks for posting that and in a weird way its a relief to know that I am not the only one going through it, but I also don’t like seeing people go through it either.”
I received DOZENS of messages like these
Lets be honest. I don’t have the reach of internet sensations: Tim Ferriss, or Rich Roll, or Brene Brown. I figured I’d receive a text and email or two from the post (because I almost always do), but the responses came pouring in and they came in almost immediately. In my nearly 10 years of blogging and sharing my perspective, I’ve NEVER gotten the feedback like I did here. Nor have I felt the instant gratitude to start conversations with people I connected with throughout my life.
I decided to anonymize those who sent feedback to show you what I already believed to be true. Many men are walking a similar journey and had similar stigma around getting help. Some have a history of struggle. Some are in it right now. But all have found a way to seek guidance or hear another voice…besides the voice in their head. If you reached out to me, here is a snippet of what your peers had to say! They appreciate you without even knowing it!
A Friend, an athlete, a great Dad
I read your post regarding therapy. I commend you for doing that, it’s not an easy thing to do much less post about it on your social media. I have been on again/ off again with therapy/ meds for anxiety and depression. A lot of the causes resonated with me because those are some of the same things that reared their ugly head when I was going through it/ still going through it. Either way, thanks for posting that and in a weird way its a relief to know that I am not the only one going through it, but I also don’t like seeing people go through it either. I am glad you got out of therapy what you did and are on the other side of it. I am still working through it, but therapy has helped.
A friend, a peer, a great Dad
Good post brother! I’ve met with Aaron Kampman quarterly for the last several years. https://www.thealignprocess.com/aaron-kampman From a mental health standpoint, it is freeing. For me, weight lifts off my shoulders after each session.
A Business Peer
Loved your post Zac. Thank you for your honesty and the courage to put yourself out there for others who may be feeling similarly or the same. I think many of us were/are in a similar boat, but as men, we typically are the last ones to seek out self-care, especially when we have others to care for who come first (wife/partner, child, parents, etc.) I know that’s the challenge I struggle with daily.
A friend, and a rebuilding story
Great post tonight! It hit home for me. It took going through a divorce, therapy, and a lot of self-reflection to get me back to my true self. The toughen up and push through it mentally doesn’t work, and it really just fuels anxiety to the point of changing who you really are. Being vulnerable is where it is at! Thanks for sharing!
A successful business associate, peer and Dad
I’m reaching out because I wanted to let you know that I saw your post about your journey with betterhelp, and I wanted to say THANK YOU for posting that! I’ve been struggling with certain things as well, predominantly professionally, and that post caught me at the exact right time!
A friend, business associate, and great Dad
Love the blog. Thanks for sharing. One of my favorite quotes…Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. It is the result of long and patient effort in self-control. Its presence is an indication of ripened experience, and of a more than ordinary knowledge of the laws and operations of thought. ~James Allen, As a Man Thinketh
As I was sweating through a Peloton ride this morning, my session ended with Emma Lovewell saying this,
When we show up for ourselves, we have the ability to show up as our best-self for others around us
Let me be very upfront. I never thought I’d be here. It wasn’t part of my being, upbringing or belief system. Here means, writing these words and more importantly…sharing what is to follow. But if I don’t share, who will know? And sometimes all it takes is knowing someone else’s path to change yours!
It’s also important to know WHO I’m writing this for. Albeit, I hope this message can help 10s or 100s of young men, or fathers not feel alone in their feelings, there is one in particular I’m on the lookout for. My 8-year old son…who is yet to become a man. We are SO MUCH alike, I understand he may walk a similar path in his 20s, 30s or 40s and I want him to know where Dad was at a shared time of life. Love you Landon!
How did we get here?
This is a post about the dichotomy of security and vulnerability. Let me first say I’m incredibly hopeful and grateful in writing this post. I’m hopeful this message will reach another human (likely a male) who is looking for support or structure in uncertainty. I’m secure enough as a person to know I can share these thoughts without fear, and vulnerable enough to get to the truth in the process.
I’d like to be abundantly clear that I thought mental health and a person seeking ‘help’ were W-E-A-K when I was in my younger years. I’d experienced a few people around me who struggled with depression or anxiety, but I just didn’t get it. I couldn’t rationalize or empathize and like any young and arrogant 20-something I thought “toughen up” and “move through it” were the answers. I’m sorry I thought that. I’m sorry I was so naive.
I guess the old saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear” is at play here.
The Additive Components
As I get older, I’m becoming more of a thinker and try to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I don’t think the melancholy “feels” I had in 2021 were merely a result of COVID. That said, COVID may have been the great accelerator in the process! I believe the following stressful components were all at play over time:
Multiple Rounds of IVF to have our two kids (these are definitely stressful times and they added up)
Battling Ulcerative Colitis Flares – This is definitely a source of trauma for me since I was 27. I’ve gone through enough to know what to expect…and it isn’t pretty.
Never Ending Ambition and Achievement – I’m wired this way! Hard to shut it off.
Lockdowns and Kids at Home – Juggling a business that immediately took a turn into a ravine while having kids at home was flat out hard. Trying to find balance amongst it all was very challenging and I suck at balance.
COVID layoffs – One is hard, two is enough. I think I participated in three in total including 2020 and dealing with the wake of COVID. This left me feeling entirely hallow. Lives were being upended and as a leader, I felt responsible.
Resentment – I held this in a large capacity due to an expectation of a business deal/payoff that was likely floundering and consequent relationships left in that wake. Both put me in a sour and grumpy state quite regularly. The more I thought, the more betrayed I felt.
Relationship With my Wife – We weren’t in an awful state, but we weren’t good from the notable life changes we were both juggling above. Most days felt more like survival in a weird sense and everyone was on edge. She was trying to manage the kids while I looked after the business that was running poorly.
Daily Dose of Bad News – Every day upon waking from a Princess and the Pea “less than restful” night of sleep it was like I was waiting for impending doom. How much money had we lost? What clients disappeared? Who resigned? Who is sick? What can I do about any of this anyway?????
Add all these components up and you’ve got a toxic fear-based cocktail being consumed multiple times daily.
Falling into the Gray
A few weeks ago I stumbled on to the Unbreakable Podcast with host Jay Glazer after hearing it promoted. I was drawn to his very first guest and a man I have a great deal of respect for, Sean McVay. Together, they discuss what Jay labels as “the gray” and unpack what it means to both of them to be more vulnerable in their mental health journeys. I really encourage the listen as I thought it helped add a ton of context to what I was feeling and experiencing. It’s different for every person, but similar all the same. Jay also gave me the motivation to be “man enough” publish this post.
It All Took a Toll
The most meaningful steps I believe I took in my 30s were the steps toward more self-awareness (the good and the bad). Two years ago, I was self aware enough and at a point where I knew I just needed some help. Every day I seemed to feel worse and worse both physically and mentally. My physical body was taking a toll and I couldn’t continue on without a radical shift in behavior. I needed someone else with whom I could speak with who was unbiased and could rationalize a path forward.
Let me also be very clear that I never once thought about hurting myself or others around me. I’ve never been there and I can’t say I know anything about those feelings, but I’m undoubtably respectful of those who are in this place! I empathize with you. Seek help. Talk. Michael Phelps said it here, “It’s ok, to not be OK!”
I Raised My Hand – I Need Some Help
I’m not sure I can identify the mechanism of “how” I found betterhelp, but I’m incredibly happy I did. It may honestly have been the social-distancing necessity of the pandemic and the virtual nature of all things meant this guy didn’t have to sit down across from someone I didn’t know and pour out my feelings(in person). I don’t know if my pride or ego was ready for that. Moving forward, it felt like the right answer and I was assigned a therapist based on a questionnaire they provided. We were off. My first session was scheduled…and I was nervous as hell.
~PAUSE~ Holy Shit…am I really doing this???
Oh my god. Was I ready for this? What did I just sign up for? What questions would she ask? Would I be vulnerable enough to tell the truth? (yes, us men struggle with this if it means violating our “manhood”) What if I needed more help? What if I cried? What if…
What if…This Was Exactly What I Needed?
I took notes on the process and found the back-and-forth journaling exercises from betterhelp to be very helpful. My journey started with some EMDR therapy to slow me down (My words, not the therapist’s). I needed to unwind all that had become fiercely tangled up. Next, we truly unpacked each of the elements leading up to why I was there in the first place. One by One. Every experience. Every element of PTSD I was laboring over. I was caught in a feedback loop and the merry-go-round was spinning too fast to get off or even let go.
After only a few sessions I feel like I changed my tone from “fix me, I’m broken,” to a much more curious person ready to explore who’d I’d become as a result of all the elements noted above. I’d been able to gain control of what I was experiencing and talk through it. I was still stressed, but I felt like the possibility of feeling better (not stressed 24/7) existed again. I once heard meditation described as, being able to look at the washing machine, from the outside, while it is running. I feel this way about my experience with therapy.
After a few months, some serious self care and inner work, I was starting to feel like myself again. I was getting my swagger back. I think part of this was timing of how the world was coming out of the pandemic, but I also believe I’d become much more at peace with what I could and couldn’t control. After all, that’s what all of this is about isn’t it? Control and expectations!
Looking Forward
I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be. I have many thoughts, but don’t own all the answers. This is yet another example of life happening to me and being vulnerable enough to know I needed guidance. I hope this message can find someone in need of help and know a stubborn, sometimes overly-confident and prideful person like myself walked a similar path to find resources.
My therapist left me with these thoughts. “Life will most certainly get hard again at some point. Lean on these experiences to get through it smoother than you did last time and know you have tools at your disposal to slow it all down. It’s very likely you will encounter another Colitis flare in life…and you can work to get through it, just as you have the rest of them.”
I don’t know if ALL THERAPY works. What I know, is that I’m incredibly grateful to the betterhelp team and my therapist who helped me get through a tough patch in my life. You removed any stigma I had around the thought of seeking help and I hope others can follow a similar path if needed.
To Landon, should you be reading this years from now, know that it’s ok to talk to Dad openly about it and what you may be experiencing. I’ll listen!
It’s my first month recapping my newly refreshed personal scorecard and the most important reflection of any month is two-fold for me.
How do I feel? (Physically, Mentally, Spiritually)
Where is my momentum?
I made a few noticeable scorecard changes headed into 2023, all of which draw me closer to creating positive momentum in my life, relationships and general wellbeing. If you’d like, you can catch up on the revision news here [Evolution of the Scorecard].
How do I feel?
As we recap January I feel physically great. To be very candid, I’m actually really tired of the snow and cold weather…but I control neither of those (other than booking the nearest flight to tropical waters). As for what I can control, I worked out 24 times in January. I set (4) PRs on Peloton rides, which I believe is more than any other month since I started riding and even stacked a couple Two-a-Day workouts. I cranked out 1,660 pull ups in my quest to conquer 10,000 annually in 2023. I’ve also been following a more disciplined food regime (I wouldn’t call it a diet). The Wahls Protocol. My ulcerative colitis symptoms are in remission or non-existent and I’m generally sleeping well. Coincidence…or momentum harnessed as a result of the work?
Mentally I also feel like I’m in a great spot. I can’t say I’ve had any real headwinds to battle, other than about this time every year, I get sick of being cold and dark. Winter UGH. I would like to work a little harder on my daily discipline with my mediation work, because when we least expect it…that’s when life sends challenges. That’s why we prepare every day. Work to do here. Easy to do. Easy NOT to do.
Spiritually, I feel pretty good as well. I actually took the time to make note of a few bible verses during recent Orchard Hill sermons and did something I haven’t habitually done, which is return back and read them at a later date and reflect upon what I needed to ingest. The only gap in my “pretty good” response is my wife and I are looking for a more permanent church to call home and to integrate the kids. As with many things, I think some focused action here will win out.
Where is Momentum?
There are times when I feel like I mention or reference momentum too often. There are other times when I feel like it should be talked about much MUCH more. The importance of generating momentum is a critical life skill because we all get knocked off track sooner or later. It’s knowing how to get back on track (quickly) that’s a real life hack! Everyone is looking for “hacks”, so why not figure out what gives you energy and results in jumping out of the blocks quick…like a spry rabbit.
I’m fulfilled with the tailwinds January generated. Beyond the exercise, I’m happy with executing a 24+ hr fast and spending focused “date” time with Mrs. Keeney. We had a couple lunches together and a night out with friends which was so much fun and needed!. Fasting and Date Night were each new additions to my monthly focus, and I’m happy to say each was COMPLETED in January.
Do the work. Get the reward.
It comes as no shock to me I’m feeling energized wrapping up what usually feels like the l-o-n-g-e-s-t month of the year. I identified those essential activities which give me energy and vitally. I completed the necessary efforts with discipline and momentum is my reward. Simple. But not easy.
I leave you with this challenge.
Where are you with generating momentum in your life?
What’s keeping you from defining the essential efforts in your life?
I’ve heard from others who were looking to create similar “Scorecards” – would you be willing to share?
My 30’s were a decade of transformation…beyond the fact that the guy on the left looks much more rested and spry!
One may argue recency bias, but looking back at all the decades of my life [0-9], [10-19], [20-29], and [30-39] I believe I took the largest leap forward in many areas of my life in my 30s.
Let us quickly recap the decades:
0-9: Largely Developmental and learning [how and where] to go to the bathroom
10-19: Puberty and all the weirdness that comes with it, along with middle school and high school.
20-29: Selfishly focused hard work. Living on my own. Work hard and play hard. Looking out for #1.
30’s…
I stumbled upon this idea while thumbing through some old journals I have stored in my office. It was fascinating looking back on the ideas I wrote about, the goals I set and the thoughtful scribbles I catalogued along the way. Much of this journaling started in my mid to late 20’s so I had a basis for comparison when I started thinking about what’s to follow.
Foregoing the obvious and expected, like many others, my 30’s offered many milestones in my life. These thoughts are less about the milestones themselves and more about what I learned in the process.
Parenthood: Becoming a parent was a scientific journey for my wife and I. After years of trying “the old fashioned way,” we found ourselves at the University of Iowa Hospitals looking for help in starting our family. What followed was an IVF journey I couldn’t ever be prepared for. I say this because my wife and I are “Type A Preparers” by nature. We control. We organize. We define when things happen…except for pregnancy. Soon I would learn all I could control in this process were the black circles I drew on the small of my wife’s back with a Sharpie. Followed by the two inch needle I’d insert inside the circle and inject progesterone oil on a nightly cadence into her lower back. I don’t remember how many consecutive nights we did this for, but it felt like years! Fast-forward 9 years, and we’ve got an 8-year old son and nearly 4-year old daughter. We’re eternally grateful for all those at the U of I who helped us fulfill our parenthood dreams…albeit in a test tube. There is no love like being a parent. There is no uncertainty like being a parent. This is a bit of foreshadowing, but it was also my first experience with being truly anxious.
BusinessOwnership: On Feb. 27, 2012 I sent a LinkedIn message to a friend titled, “Opportunity Calls.” Yes, I saved the email too!! A few months later at 30 years old, the introduction paid off and the Agency I worked for acquired TargetClick Marketing to start a new digital division of the larger company. It was exhilarating and I got the itch to scratch on “owning a business” from my new colleagues. Greg, Doug, Therese, I’m forever grateful for you all and your friendship! As luck would have it, opportunity called to me a few years later and I was on the buyers side of the table again in 2015. The business I bought into was already successful, but we quickly drove it to new heights in a couple short and explosive years of growth. Just a year later, we had an offer to sell the business to a Private Equity backed holding company out of Memphis, TN. It was Dec. 1, 2016. I was 34. When my contract expired I’d be 38 or 39 years old. As the story unfolded, I left that business at 39 and President of the organization. Almost funny isn’t it? How timing works. It’s almost like that chapter, that decade, that opportunity needed closure at 39!
Investing: I’ve always had a strong interest in money. I’m interested in how it works, how it’s made, and how different groups of people think about and use money. In my 30’s my “money education” grew exponentially via the concept of asking some really simple questions to people I considered successful. What do the wealthy do? What do the wealthy own? Key word: OWN. I made it my mission to learn, apply knowledge and own more assets in my 30’s. I already noted the business ownership above (Check box). At 35, I started my real estate investment and ownership journey. I made the decision early in my 30’s and set a plan to “retire” by the ripe age of 45. There were two ways to do this. Win the lottery, or create income outside of any [9-5 income] to cover any basic monthly expenses. Real Estate offered the mechanism to accomplish the latter. I’m nearly five years into the journey and about 65% of the way to F-R-E-E-D-O-M (Say it like William Wallace screams it in Braveheart!!). Lesson here, big dreams are terrific. But nothing happens without taking big action!
Anxiety Lesson #1: I first learned about and truly experienced anxiety in my 30’s. The first time I’d ever had this feeling it was chemically induced and it was when I quit an all too frequent chewing tobacco habit. When that chemical addiction was defeated, I thought the feeling would be as well, but I was pulled back into some of those panicky feelings when going through the IVF process noted above. Being anxious is an exhausting experience. There were times I felt paralyzed in the “trigger protocol” of everything we were going through and we had so much HOPE invested in the process…but no guarantee lived on the other side. I didn’t want to feel our dreams getting crushed AGAIN! What I learned is the anxiety wasn’t about hope. It was about control. A lesson I’d learn again closing out my 30s with COVID.
Anxiety Lesson #2 – COVID. I don’t think we’re done learning about the true impact of COVID-19 on our mental well-being. COVID was a lasting anxious moment for me tied to things I thought I was owed and people I didn’t want to let down. When COVID initially hit, it was shock and awe for everyone…myself included. Those first few months with the kids at home, while running a business that was losing money every day, week, month felt impossible, but we got through the 1st wave. But not without making significant cuts to staff. If you’ve never done this, or sat up late at night staring at a spreadsheet with humans names on them…it’s REALLY hard. By dawn, a plan had to be in place to reduce expenses by many thousands of dollars. The fastest way to do that is something we’re seeing today across Big Tech companies. Eliminate large chunks of payroll. I’d never experienced this before, much less be one of the key trigger men. I wasn’t sleeping well or dealing well with the weight of these decisions. People’s lives were in my hands and I couldn’t find a fast or easy decision to circumvent this choice. In the Spring of 2021 my body started breaking down from the lasting stress and my Ulcerative Colitis flared again. Heavy lies the crown of leadership! At the end of it all, I can say I just didn’t want to let my peers, colleagues and former partners down. We were also owed some money from the sale of our business, and due to COVID I thought there was little to no chance we’d ever see it. Was this my fault? Again, these feelings are all about CONTROL. Now I’m afforded the opportunity to sit with these feelings and be more aware. I’m more aware of what’s in my control vs. what is not. I’m more open to talking through deeply challenging situations and most importantly asking for help/guidance.
At the expense of getting too windy on this post, I learned much more in my 30’s, but a post needs closure. I learned to meditate effectively in my 30s. I learned I have some of the best friends a person could ask for. I also learned a great deal about my body and diet.
All of this to say, I look forward to crushing the next decade in my 40s!
I think it’s safe to say I’m hardwired for ambition. It’s in my DNA to be ambitious. As most children do, I had dreams including BIG accomplishments. As an adolescent maybe that meant money, maybe it meant fame, or maybe I’d someday be able to say, “I made it” from a tropical paradise!
Aging provides a perspective to all these childhood dreams. That perspective is molded from the crucible of life and over time I think less about the dream and more about the why behind it and where it’s taking me?
BIG Accomplishment – What does this even mean? Or how will I know when I get there?
Money – Sure, when I was young I wanted to be RICH…who didn’t. Now, I’d rather be wealthy and financially free. (Ask Shaq, he learned there’s a BIG difference between being Rich vs. Wealthy)
Fame – Of course. I was going to be an athlete, or maybe in the movies. But I’m really cool with that not happening now. I also know my personality would NOT have handled fame well as a young adult. There’s a decent chance my ego wouldn’t have survived this dream well.
So I guess this leaves me defeated?
Not the least. I’m still just as ambitious as when I was young and I could easily argue I’m probably more ambitious now at 40 because this ambition comes with a focus and desire toward something much more real and toward something bigger than myself or selfish desires.
The element I’m thinking deeply about here is how much ambition is motivating, and how much creates problems. I heard a speaker say this earlier this year and it’s really stuck with me. Read it a couple times.
“The fire which forges, also consumes”
Isn’t that the truth. Push hard enough to push through challenge and produce meaningful progress. But, don’t push so hard you push everyone else away in the process of your selfish pursuit. Ambition…but not craziness boarding on obsession.
I read today the founder of Patagonia, Yvon Chouinard gave away his company with the purpose of ALL profits going to fight climate change. I often think about legacy and that’s a HELLUVA one to leave. Whether you think it’s “woke capitalism” or not. He will be remembered for doing something BIG! I very much appreciate the ambition required to make that happen. I also know he’s in his 80s. I wonder how he was thinking in his 30s or 40s.
What does Ambition look like to me now?
Let’s start with what it is not. I have very little ambition that remains for stuff. I think the simple saying that rings true here is, “There’s always another guy with a BIGGER boat!” I’m all for having nice things, but the pursuit of them is never ending and empty.
Lets instead look to the alternative. I view ambition through the eyes of an athlete or competitor because that’s what I’ve always been. When the final bell rings or the curtain drops, all that is left is the competitor. The individual, sweaty from effort, exhausted from thorough competition has no more ambition. There is nothing left to chase. It’s over. My question is, “how would I feel?”
My ambition for this moment trails less and less toward the idea of Win vs. Loss (and I’m a dude who isn’t shy to say I LOVE WINNING!). My desire for this moment is the realization I reached my best self or maximum contribution for others. The deep fulfilling breath that comes only from knowing you competed well at the highest level and got everything out of your talent you could. As Tony Dungy says, “No excuses no explantations.”
The only way to realize this feeling, is to remain ambitious
This is why I continually push myself and others. There is more to learn. I can be in better shape. I can be a better Dad, husband, business partner, or friend. If you’re a reader of this blog you know my affinity for Tony Robbins. Tony preaches, Happiness = Progress.
Now if you’re the cynical type, I can see someone challenging this and saying, “Yeah Zac, that’s great. But your ambition lacks specifics!” I’d say this is fair, but ambition is about desire vs. a goal which is about a target/outcome.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to my point of a realizing my “best self”, but I’m sure as hell going to try and continue progressing along the way!
