Tag Archives: Michael Phelps

My Journey with betterhelp

Let me be very upfront. I never thought I’d be here. It wasn’t part of my being, upbringing or belief system. Here means, writing these words and more importantly…sharing what is to follow. But if I don’t share, who will know? And sometimes all it takes is knowing someone else’s path to change yours!

It’s also important to know WHO I’m writing this for. Albeit, I hope this message can help 10s or 100s of young men, or fathers not feel alone in their feelings, there is one in particular I’m on the lookout for. My 8-year old son…who is yet to become a man. We are SO MUCH alike, I understand he may walk a similar path in his 20s, 30s or 40s and I want him to know where Dad was at a shared time of life. Love you Landon!

How did we get here?

This is a post about the dichotomy of security and vulnerability. Let me first say I’m incredibly hopeful and grateful in writing this post. I’m hopeful this message will reach another human (likely a male) who is looking for support or structure in uncertainty. I’m secure enough as a person to know I can share these thoughts without fear, and vulnerable enough to get to the truth in the process.

I’d like to be abundantly clear that I thought mental health and a person seeking ‘help’ were W-E-A-K when I was in my younger years. I’d experienced a few people around me who struggled with depression or anxiety, but I just didn’t get it. I couldn’t rationalize or empathize and like any young and arrogant 20-something I thought “toughen up” and “move through it” were the answers. I’m sorry I thought that. I’m sorry I was so naive.

I guess the old saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear” is at play here.

The Additive Components

As I get older, I’m becoming more of a thinker and try to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I don’t think the melancholy “feels” I had in 2021 were merely a result of COVID. That said, COVID may have been the great accelerator in the process! I believe the following stressful components were all at play over time:

  • Multiple Rounds of IVF to have our two kids (these are definitely stressful times and they added up)
  • Battling Ulcerative Colitis Flares – This is definitely a source of trauma for me since I was 27. I’ve gone through enough to know what to expect…and it isn’t pretty.
  • Never Ending Ambition and Achievement – I’m wired this way! Hard to shut it off.
  • Lockdowns and Kids at Home – Juggling a business that immediately took a turn into a ravine while having kids at home was flat out hard. Trying to find balance amongst it all was very challenging and I suck at balance.
  • COVID layoffs – One is hard, two is enough. I think I participated in three in total including 2020 and dealing with the wake of COVID. This left me feeling entirely hallow. Lives were being upended and as a leader, I felt responsible.
  • Resentment – I held this in a large capacity due to an expectation of a business deal/payoff that was likely floundering and consequent relationships left in that wake. Both put me in a sour and grumpy state quite regularly. The more I thought, the more betrayed I felt.
  • Relationship With my Wife – We weren’t in an awful state, but we weren’t good from the notable life changes we were both juggling above. Most days felt more like survival in a weird sense and everyone was on edge. She was trying to manage the kids while I looked after the business that was running poorly.
  • Daily Dose of Bad News – Every day upon waking from a Princess and the Pea “less than restful” night of sleep it was like I was waiting for impending doom. How much money had we lost? What clients disappeared? Who resigned? Who is sick? What can I do about any of this anyway?????

Add all these components up and you’ve got a toxic fear-based cocktail being consumed multiple times daily.

Falling into the Gray

A few weeks ago I stumbled on to the Unbreakable Podcast with host Jay Glazer after hearing it promoted. I was drawn to his very first guest and a man I have a great deal of respect for, Sean McVay. Together, they discuss what Jay labels as “the gray” and unpack what it means to both of them to be more vulnerable in their mental health journeys. I really encourage the listen as I thought it helped add a ton of context to what I was feeling and experiencing. It’s different for every person, but similar all the same. Jay also gave me the motivation to be “man enough” publish this post.

It All Took a Toll

The most meaningful steps I believe I took in my 30s were the steps toward more self-awareness (the good and the bad). Two years ago, I was self aware enough and at a point where I knew I just needed some help. Every day I seemed to feel worse and worse both physically and mentally. My physical body was taking a toll and I couldn’t continue on without a radical shift in behavior. I needed someone else with whom I could speak with who was unbiased and could rationalize a path forward.

Let me also be very clear that I never once thought about hurting myself or others around me. I’ve never been there and I can’t say I know anything about those feelings, but I’m undoubtably respectful of those who are in this place! I empathize with you. Seek help. Talk. Michael Phelps said it here, “It’s ok, to not be OK!”

I Raised My Hand – I Need Some Help

I’m not sure I can identify the mechanism of “how” I found betterhelp, but I’m incredibly happy I did. It may honestly have been the social-distancing necessity of the pandemic and the virtual nature of all things meant this guy didn’t have to sit down across from someone I didn’t know and pour out my feelings(in person). I don’t know if my pride or ego was ready for that. Moving forward, it felt like the right answer and I was assigned a therapist based on a questionnaire they provided. We were off. My first session was scheduled…and I was nervous as hell.

~PAUSE~ Holy Shit…am I really doing this???

Oh my god. Was I ready for this? What did I just sign up for? What questions would she ask? Would I be vulnerable enough to tell the truth? (yes, us men struggle with this if it means violating our “manhood”) What if I needed more help? What if I cried? What if…

What if…This Was Exactly What I Needed?

I took notes on the process and found the back-and-forth journaling exercises from betterhelp to be very helpful. My journey started with some EMDR therapy to slow me down (My words, not the therapist’s). I needed to unwind all that had become fiercely tangled up. Next, we truly unpacked each of the elements leading up to why I was there in the first place. One by One. Every experience. Every element of PTSD I was laboring over. I was caught in a feedback loop and the merry-go-round was spinning too fast to get off or even let go.

After only a few sessions I feel like I changed my tone from “fix me, I’m broken,” to a much more curious person ready to explore who’d I’d become as a result of all the elements noted above. I’d been able to gain control of what I was experiencing and talk through it. I was still stressed, but I felt like the possibility of feeling better (not stressed 24/7) existed again. I once heard meditation described as, being able to look at the washing machine, from the outside, while it is running. I feel this way about my experience with therapy.

After a few months, some serious self care and inner work, I was starting to feel like myself again. I was getting my swagger back. I think part of this was timing of how the world was coming out of the pandemic, but I also believe I’d become much more at peace with what I could and couldn’t control. After all, that’s what all of this is about isn’t it? Control and expectations!

Looking Forward

I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be. I have many thoughts, but don’t own all the answers. This is yet another example of life happening to me and being vulnerable enough to know I needed guidance. I hope this message can find someone in need of help and know a stubborn, sometimes overly-confident and prideful person like myself walked a similar path to find resources.

My therapist left me with these thoughts. “Life will most certainly get hard again at some point. Lean on these experiences to get through it smoother than you did last time and know you have tools at your disposal to slow it all down. It’s very likely you will encounter another Colitis flare in life…and you can work to get through it, just as you have the rest of them.”

I don’t know if ALL THERAPY works. What I know, is that I’m incredibly grateful to the betterhelp team and my therapist who helped me get through a tough patch in my life. You removed any stigma I had around the thought of seeking help and I hope others can follow a similar path if needed.

To Landon, should you be reading this years from now, know that it’s ok to talk to Dad openly about it and what you may be experiencing. I’ll listen!

Starting Over. Week 1. Day 1.

I despise starting over. But beginning Feb. 26, 2021…that’s exactly where I was.

I spent that cold Iowa Friday night with some friends on the golf simulator at our golf course. A few too many beers and a few months of COVID (family, business, life) stress led me to making a decision I knew I’d regret as I’d spent years staying clear of it.

I’d chew tobacco again. But it wasn’t really that I’d chew again that specific night, it was more that I’d been doing a lesser version of this same habit (Camel Snus) for a few months in 2020 and most importantly – – – – > hiding it from my wife. But this night it was the real stuff and it was placed directly against my gums…and it tasted G-R-E-A-T. It was sending ALL the signals to my brain I knew I’d have to fight on my hands…tomorrow.

The next day I was filled with a poor night of sleep and a titanic-sized boat load of shame with my family. I was starting over and I knew what the addiction battle that lie ahead looked like and that I needed to rebuild my body and health.

The prognosis was simple: two weeks of hell followed by bits of progress and commitment. But the good news is I’d done it before, and that was the silver lining.

Let me rewind.

I quit chewing in 2011. I know this because I kept a diary my first 100 days of quitting. Sept 12th was my first “Days Upon Days” email to myself (I’ve shared these with no one). I’d slipped up two days prior to writing this message. I was watching the Iowa vs. Iowa State game in 2011. It was a 44-41 overtime thriller and one of the last times in a decade Iowa State would beat Iowa (sorry, couldn’t resist Cyclone fans). I was six days into my quit and I’d given in. I was at my friend’s parents house (Kalli you’ll remember).
Here’s proof of my first email to myself.

The following week would present the same challenge as the week before. Tailgating. Make it past seven days. Eventually I did, and continued to write about my journey the whole way, past day 100 and beyond. If I’m ever deep in a challenge, I relate back to these messages to understand what I’m capable of taking on, and what real perseverance looks and feels like. It starts as pain, and ends in progress.

At this moment in my own personal reflection, I’m quite certain you’re asking yourself, “Why is he telling me this?” “What is it about this story that needs to be shared now?”

I’m sharing because I’m staring to embrace the concept of starting over and energy of the rebuild. I’m making a game out of it.

Life isn’t a straight line and people make mistakes. God knows I’ve made my fair share and I’m sure I’ve got more waiting for me.

Most importantly, I know people this very moment struggling and battling with a variety of similar challenges and they’re all MEN I respect. I’m talking with some men daily and others weekly as they work to make progress in their journey. They’re all in different phases of the rebuild and “starting over” from any one or two of the things listed below:

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Alcoholism
  • Stress from Business Collapse
  • Addiction
  • Marital Issue
  • Combo order of elements above (add two, shake and scream)

I’m sharing this for my friends, colleagues and peers to know they’re not alone. Everyone is dealing with some shit. The rebuild isn’t humiliating. It’s an empowering challenge. And although it may suck now, it doesn’t have to suck forever. There is a way through and it’s actually incredibly mobilizing with momentum.

Dealing with stress, or anxiety, or addiction doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. Everybody’s got something.
How do I know? Listen to this podcast with olympian Michael Phelps (23 gold medals) talking through his struggles. Tim Ferriss Show Episode 494. Michael Phelps now famously stated, “It’s OK, to not be OK!”

I love that. It’s OK, to not be OK!

If you’d like more mental resources, here is another I recently feel in love with from Rich Roll and David Goggins. Start your watch at 1:46:38 when Rich says, “Then it becomes about Willingness…”

Lastly, Rich says the following: “We’re in a culture that is driving everybody toward this idea that happiness is purchased through luxury, comfort and ease. And the truth could not be more different from that reality. If you want to find peace with yourself, self understanding, self knowledge, self esteem, all of these things are going to be found through: sacrifice, getting uncomfortable, re-evaulating what your normal is and putting yourself in situations you don’t want to f*cking do”

“Rich Roll Podcast – Episode 413”

~Damn Rich. Love this! Thank you!

One last thought I’d like to share is, “Be weary of the quick fix.”

I know I’m guilty of wanting answers and progress immediately in life, especially in times of struggle. But that’s just not likely, nor will the results stick. Results have to be trained in with habits. Good habits.

I’m reminded of lottery winners who win tens of millions in a jackpot…then go broke. Why on earth would a lottery winner go broke!?!?! Because they didn’t have good money habits in the first place. The money was transient. The habits won out. They’re broke again.

Today upon publishing this piece it’s Oct. 7th and I’m feeling really great. My body and mind are in an entirely different place than where they were six months ago. Looking back I was broken, body inflamed, stressed and tired. I still feel the temptation, and I will continue to, but that’s ok. I’m aware and being aware is the shit!

My habits are also in a different place. I’m on a mission to knock out 3,650 pull ups this year (10 per day). It’s a feat I gave up on in 2020 and only amassed 1,400 before quitting. I’m proud to say I’m nearly at 3,000 and I’m gaining momentum every day. Three months ago I started running again to get a good sweat in and free some mental space. I still don’t like running, but I love the cleanse of a good sweat.

(Good/Bad)Habits win over time!

Choose your habits wisely.

If any element of this post hits with you, I’d share with you one final quote,

Henceforth, I will consider each day’s effort as but one blow of my blade against a mighty oak. The first blow may cause not a tremor in the wood, nor the second, nor the third. Each blow, of itself may be trifling, and seem of no consequence. Yet from childish swipes the oak will eventually tumble. So it will be with my efforts of today

“The Greatest Salesman in the World” ~OG Mandino