On this journey we call life, it’s important to have a compass. Wandering endlessly day-by-day will leave us in the same spot we started (which is unacceptable). As Tony Robbins says, “progress = happiness” and who doesn’t want more happiness?
So what am I thinking about or pursuing in 2024?
Health
My number one pursuit in 2024 is to find remission from my auto immune disease…by any means necessary!! Recently in November I started a new trial drug (Zeposia) which is designed to better regulate, or down regulate my immune system to trigger fewer flare ups or responses by my body to fight itself, and in so doing, cause harm. In evaluating options, the next choice of treatment was: a pill, a bi-monthly shot, or infusion every 8-weeks. We chose the daily pill.
But over the holidays, I flared again on the new drug. Talk about a downer!! Today, I’m currently taking about 3-4 different pills a day to combat symptoms and I’m in a desperate pursuit to bring this number to ZERO!!
I’ve grown tired of the ups and downs from the unpredictability. I’m tired of the anxiousness of the disease impacting my movement patterns, sometimes limiting travel (which I love) and just overall life. In early January I’m headed to Mayo Clinic for a second opinion on how to best rid myself of these symptoms and hopefully dial back on medication.
I’m attacking the disease from many angles: diet, fitness, and overall mental well being. I tell myself I know how the disease was initially triggered. It’s lovely cocktail mix: A great deal of hard living in my 20’s accompanied with amplified stress from being a tireless overachiever likely sent my body and immune system into a tail spin in the late 2000’s. But is this true?? Or is this story??
Fact vs. Story. That’s what I’m really looking to explore. I’m not looking to only treat symptoms, instead I’m Indiana Jones in search of the root cause. I’m told there is no “cure” per se to Ulcerative Colitis. I don’t buy it. I’m somewhat convinced the medication doesn’t work, otherwise why would I continually experience flare ups a few times per year, which are then resolved by steroids? So what’s the answer?
Is Diet the Answer?
I don’t know this either. Here’s what I do know. I know in 2023 I ate better than I have in my entire life. I consumed more vegetables, smoothies and pounds of spinach than I ever have. I consumed less alcohol than ever and I’m on the verge of calling it quits entirely. But still the symptoms. Is diet the answer?
Is Fitness the Answer?
I’m in better shape now at 41 than I was at 31. It’s not even a comparison. My body composition is better and I’m even hitting the golf ball further as a result. In 2023 I completed over 250 workouts and cycled nearly 8,000 minutes this year. In a quest for 10,000 pull ups, I completed 14,000. I am no iron man, but I am in good shape…but the symptoms remain. Is Fitness the answer?
Am I too type A?
I can only imagine being a reader of this post and reading my thoughts. Zac, of course you think simply changing the variables noted above (or by simply doing more) you’d step into remission and all would be well. It’s not that easy, and I’m coming to grips with that. So what’s the next phase?
Is the next phase Surrender?
In listening to recent sermon from Orchard Hill Church, the pastor spoke to surrender, and a season of waiting. I must admit, just hearing those words send me into toxic shock. I suck at waiting…and yet maybe that’s the larger lesson in all of this? I’ve tried searching for solutions via the mechanism of control. And yet, that’s not working. So maybe surrender is?
In almost every year in my adult life I’ve thought about goals and planning for the following year. It’s exciting, it’s ambitious, it’s challenging!! Every single year these include financial targets to hit and investments to make. While 2024 will likely include these goals, my #1 concern and focus will be on getting truly healthy.
You can have all the riches and success in the world, but if you don’t have your health, you have nothing.
I’ve always been particularly aware of how I look. I would even be so aware to call it vain at times. Today is no different. The guy on the left is prideful of the work and results. The guy on the right knows the inside looks presents different challenges from the outside.
It’s the end of the month, which means I’m wrapping up my monthly scorecard. The sole reason for my Monthly Scorecard is to focus on those efforts which provide vitality and energy. The side effective is a positive one, and it is being in shape. But I believe it also helps keep my autoimmune disease at bay, most of the time…
Another Spring Time. Another Flare.
I believe this is the 3rd year in a row I experienced an Ulcerative Colitis flare up. I know for certain I had one last year and I’m pretty sure I had one in 2021 as the stress from Covid was having a major impact on everyone’s lives. Myself included.
Starting 2023, I was going to really attack the Scorecard work and ensure I was showing up for those around me as my best self. I’ve been incredibly diligent with my exercise and diet. Not perfect, but very few slip ups or cheats along the way, so the most recent internal discomfort came as a real shock to me. I was controlling the things I could control to a large degree. Here I am talking again about the word control. It was a prominent theme in my post about receiving therapy through Better Help. This is where I’ve spent time reflecting this last week as I had to miss out on a business trip.
The Illusion of Control
The whole reason for the monthly tracking was to distill down the essential efforts which selfishly, make me feel great as a person. It shouldn’t come as a shock, but with consistency my energy is higher, my sleep is better, my body “looks” better and I’m in control of my symptoms…but am I????
I realized the scorecard work is a daily mechanism and a lever of consistency I can count on. What it isn’t however, is a forcefield of control. I’ve yet to truly find out how to stay in remission 24/7. I am learning through trial and error the elements of my lifestyle I have to avoid or limit.
I have a disease. The disease doesn’t have me.
I got to a point the last week or so, which some may call submission. Brilliant doctors across the globe are studying this disease and how it’s triggered. They’re studying how to treat it and keep their patients in remission. Right now, there isn’t a true “cure” so there is a good chance it could be with me for some time. I’m keenly aware of this and I know I’ve also navigated similar disruptions in the past. ~This too shall pass.
Although the physical aspect of the disease isn’t pretty, and I don’t wish it on anyone, I think the mental piece is actually harder because it is omnipresent. These are the daily thoughts of someone with Crohn’s Disease or UC:
What am I going to eat, and how will it make me feel?
(if) for some reason I shouldn’t feel good, is there a restroom nearby?
if not nearby, where is the closest one?
How long are we going to be in the car?
Am I actually feeling really good today… cup coffee, or a beer sounds lovely (but also problematic)
How long will I have to be on this medication?
How do I tell those close to me I need to back out of _____________ (meeting, event, trip, etc.) without being a huge flake?
Searching for the answers to these daily “lifestyle” questions can be anxious and exhausting and why I spend so much time trying to sharpen my mental axe. I know the disease is going to punch back, and when it does, I need to be ready. I need to be ready to show up for my family, my friends, my coworkers and yes…myself!
Perspective is Always Necessary
I have a friend battling cancer. First it was lung cancer (and he never smoked), he beat that…TWICE! Now he’s fighting the same fight against brain cancer with complete faith and his wife by his side. Wow!! To be that strong. Remarkable doesn’t even begin to describe it. But you can read about it here: Eat Pray Breathe
I leave this post thinking about reading more research and trying to gain a better understand of what “springtime” in the midwest has to do with my body annually battling inflammation. I wonder if others experience similar seasonality with symptoms? Either way, tomorrow is May 1st, and it will be back to work on restoring vitality and continuing momentum!
PS – my wife is amazing and always picks up the slack.
The outpouring of responses from my latest post was intense in the best of ways. I had a very strong suspicion there were many others out there like me, experiencing the same [bottled up] feelings I had two years ago. What I didn’t know, is I’d hear from so many of you in droves. You are brave for reaching out and trusting in me to have the conversation!
THANK YOU!
In case you missed it, this is the post which sparked overwhelming response: My Journey with betterhelp.
I received this message from a friend I haven’t heard from in some time. I was instantly moved and felt connected. Here is a selection,
“Either way, thanks for posting that and in a weird way its a relief to know that I am not the only one going through it, but I also don’t like seeing people go through it either.”
I received DOZENS of messages like these
Lets be honest. I don’t have the reach of internet sensations: Tim Ferriss, or Rich Roll, or Brene Brown. I figured I’d receive a text and email or two from the post (because I almost always do), but the responses came pouring in and they came in almost immediately. In my nearly 10 years of blogging and sharing my perspective, I’ve NEVER gotten the feedback like I did here. Nor have I felt the instant gratitude to start conversations with people I connected with throughout my life.
I decided to anonymize those who sent feedback to show you what I already believed to be true. Many men are walking a similar journey and had similar stigma around getting help. Some have a history of struggle. Some are in it right now. But all have found a way to seek guidance or hear another voice…besides the voice in their head. If you reached out to me, here is a snippet of what your peers had to say! They appreciate you without even knowing it!
A Friend, an athlete, a great Dad
I read your post regarding therapy. I commend you for doing that, it’s not an easy thing to do much less post about it on your social media. I have been on again/ off again with therapy/ meds for anxiety and depression. A lot of the causes resonated with me because those are some of the same things that reared their ugly head when I was going through it/ still going through it. Either way, thanks for posting that and in a weird way its a relief to know that I am not the only one going through it, but I also don’t like seeing people go through it either. I am glad you got out of therapy what you did and are on the other side of it. I am still working through it, but therapy has helped.
A friend, a peer, a great Dad
Good post brother! I’ve met with Aaron Kampman quarterly for the last several years. https://www.thealignprocess.com/aaron-kampman From a mental health standpoint, it is freeing. For me, weight lifts off my shoulders after each session.
A Business Peer
Loved your post Zac. Thank you for your honesty and the courage to put yourself out there for others who may be feeling similarly or the same. I think many of us were/are in a similar boat, but as men, we typically are the last ones to seek out self-care, especially when we have others to care for who come first (wife/partner, child, parents, etc.) I know that’s the challenge I struggle with daily.
A friend, and a rebuilding story
Great post tonight! It hit home for me. It took going through a divorce, therapy, and a lot of self-reflection to get me back to my true self. The toughen up and push through it mentally doesn’t work, and it really just fuels anxiety to the point of changing who you really are. Being vulnerable is where it is at! Thanks for sharing!
A successful business associate, peer and Dad
I’m reaching out because I wanted to let you know that I saw your post about your journey with betterhelp, and I wanted to say THANK YOU for posting that! I’ve been struggling with certain things as well, predominantly professionally, and that post caught me at the exact right time!
A friend, business associate, and great Dad
Love the blog. Thanks for sharing. One of my favorite quotes…Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. It is the result of long and patient effort in self-control. Its presence is an indication of ripened experience, and of a more than ordinary knowledge of the laws and operations of thought. ~James Allen, As a Man Thinketh
As I was sweating through a Peloton ride this morning, my session ended with Emma Lovewell saying this,
When we show up for ourselves, we have the ability to show up as our best-self for others around us
Let me be very upfront. I never thought I’d be here. It wasn’t part of my being, upbringing or belief system. Here means, writing these words and more importantly…sharing what is to follow. But if I don’t share, who will know? And sometimes all it takes is knowing someone else’s path to change yours!
It’s also important to know WHO I’m writing this for. Albeit, I hope this message can help 10s or 100s of young men, or fathers not feel alone in their feelings, there is one in particular I’m on the lookout for. My 8-year old son…who is yet to become a man. We are SO MUCH alike, I understand he may walk a similar path in his 20s, 30s or 40s and I want him to know where Dad was at a shared time of life. Love you Landon!
How did we get here?
This is a post about the dichotomy of security and vulnerability. Let me first say I’m incredibly hopeful and grateful in writing this post. I’m hopeful this message will reach another human (likely a male) who is looking for support or structure in uncertainty. I’m secure enough as a person to know I can share these thoughts without fear, and vulnerable enough to get to the truth in the process.
I’d like to be abundantly clear that I thought mental health and a person seeking ‘help’ were W-E-A-K when I was in my younger years. I’d experienced a few people around me who struggled with depression or anxiety, but I just didn’t get it. I couldn’t rationalize or empathize and like any young and arrogant 20-something I thought “toughen up” and “move through it” were the answers. I’m sorry I thought that. I’m sorry I was so naive.
I guess the old saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear” is at play here.
The Additive Components
As I get older, I’m becoming more of a thinker and try to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I don’t think the melancholy “feels” I had in 2021 were merely a result of COVID. That said, COVID may have been the great accelerator in the process! I believe the following stressful components were all at play over time:
Multiple Rounds of IVF to have our two kids (these are definitely stressful times and they added up)
Battling Ulcerative Colitis Flares – This is definitely a source of trauma for me since I was 27. I’ve gone through enough to know what to expect…and it isn’t pretty.
Never Ending Ambition and Achievement – I’m wired this way! Hard to shut it off.
Lockdowns and Kids at Home – Juggling a business that immediately took a turn into a ravine while having kids at home was flat out hard. Trying to find balance amongst it all was very challenging and I suck at balance.
COVID layoffs – One is hard, two is enough. I think I participated in three in total including 2020 and dealing with the wake of COVID. This left me feeling entirely hallow. Lives were being upended and as a leader, I felt responsible.
Resentment – I held this in a large capacity due to an expectation of a business deal/payoff that was likely floundering and consequent relationships left in that wake. Both put me in a sour and grumpy state quite regularly. The more I thought, the more betrayed I felt.
Relationship With my Wife – We weren’t in an awful state, but we weren’t good from the notable life changes we were both juggling above. Most days felt more like survival in a weird sense and everyone was on edge. She was trying to manage the kids while I looked after the business that was running poorly.
Daily Dose of Bad News – Every day upon waking from a Princess and the Pea “less than restful” night of sleep it was like I was waiting for impending doom. How much money had we lost? What clients disappeared? Who resigned? Who is sick? What can I do about any of this anyway?????
Add all these components up and you’ve got a toxic fear-based cocktail being consumed multiple times daily.
Falling into the Gray
A few weeks ago I stumbled on to the Unbreakable Podcast with host Jay Glazer after hearing it promoted. I was drawn to his very first guest and a man I have a great deal of respect for, Sean McVay. Together, they discuss what Jay labels as “the gray” and unpack what it means to both of them to be more vulnerable in their mental health journeys. I really encourage the listen as I thought it helped add a ton of context to what I was feeling and experiencing. It’s different for every person, but similar all the same. Jay also gave me the motivation to be “man enough” publish this post.
It All Took a Toll
The most meaningful steps I believe I took in my 30s were the steps toward more self-awareness (the good and the bad). Two years ago, I was self aware enough and at a point where I knew I just needed some help. Every day I seemed to feel worse and worse both physically and mentally. My physical body was taking a toll and I couldn’t continue on without a radical shift in behavior. I needed someone else with whom I could speak with who was unbiased and could rationalize a path forward.
Let me also be very clear that I never once thought about hurting myself or others around me. I’ve never been there and I can’t say I know anything about those feelings, but I’m undoubtably respectful of those who are in this place! I empathize with you. Seek help. Talk. Michael Phelps said it here, “It’s ok, to not be OK!”
I Raised My Hand – I Need Some Help
I’m not sure I can identify the mechanism of “how” I found betterhelp, but I’m incredibly happy I did. It may honestly have been the social-distancing necessity of the pandemic and the virtual nature of all things meant this guy didn’t have to sit down across from someone I didn’t know and pour out my feelings(in person). I don’t know if my pride or ego was ready for that. Moving forward, it felt like the right answer and I was assigned a therapist based on a questionnaire they provided. We were off. My first session was scheduled…and I was nervous as hell.
~PAUSE~ Holy Shit…am I really doing this???
Oh my god. Was I ready for this? What did I just sign up for? What questions would she ask? Would I be vulnerable enough to tell the truth? (yes, us men struggle with this if it means violating our “manhood”) What if I needed more help? What if I cried? What if…
What if…This Was Exactly What I Needed?
I took notes on the process and found the back-and-forth journaling exercises from betterhelp to be very helpful. My journey started with some EMDR therapy to slow me down (My words, not the therapist’s). I needed to unwind all that had become fiercely tangled up. Next, we truly unpacked each of the elements leading up to why I was there in the first place. One by One. Every experience. Every element of PTSD I was laboring over. I was caught in a feedback loop and the merry-go-round was spinning too fast to get off or even let go.
After only a few sessions I feel like I changed my tone from “fix me, I’m broken,” to a much more curious person ready to explore who’d I’d become as a result of all the elements noted above. I’d been able to gain control of what I was experiencing and talk through it. I was still stressed, but I felt like the possibility of feeling better (not stressed 24/7) existed again. I once heard meditation described as, being able to look at the washing machine, from the outside, while it is running. I feel this way about my experience with therapy.
After a few months, some serious self care and inner work, I was starting to feel like myself again. I was getting my swagger back. I think part of this was timing of how the world was coming out of the pandemic, but I also believe I’d become much more at peace with what I could and couldn’t control. After all, that’s what all of this is about isn’t it? Control and expectations!
Looking Forward
I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be. I have many thoughts, but don’t own all the answers. This is yet another example of life happening to me and being vulnerable enough to know I needed guidance. I hope this message can find someone in need of help and know a stubborn, sometimes overly-confident and prideful person like myself walked a similar path to find resources.
My therapist left me with these thoughts. “Life will most certainly get hard again at some point. Lean on these experiences to get through it smoother than you did last time and know you have tools at your disposal to slow it all down. It’s very likely you will encounter another Colitis flare in life…and you can work to get through it, just as you have the rest of them.”
I don’t know if ALL THERAPY works. What I know, is that I’m incredibly grateful to the betterhelp team and my therapist who helped me get through a tough patch in my life. You removed any stigma I had around the thought of seeking help and I hope others can follow a similar path if needed.
To Landon, should you be reading this years from now, know that it’s ok to talk to Dad openly about it and what you may be experiencing. I’ll listen!
My 30’s were a decade of transformation…beyond the fact that the guy on the left looks much more rested and spry!
One may argue recency bias, but looking back at all the decades of my life [0-9], [10-19], [20-29], and [30-39] I believe I took the largest leap forward in many areas of my life in my 30s.
Let us quickly recap the decades:
0-9: Largely Developmental and learning [how and where] to go to the bathroom
10-19: Puberty and all the weirdness that comes with it, along with middle school and high school.
20-29: Selfishly focused hard work. Living on my own. Work hard and play hard. Looking out for #1.
30’s…
I stumbled upon this idea while thumbing through some old journals I have stored in my office. It was fascinating looking back on the ideas I wrote about, the goals I set and the thoughtful scribbles I catalogued along the way. Much of this journaling started in my mid to late 20’s so I had a basis for comparison when I started thinking about what’s to follow.
Foregoing the obvious and expected, like many others, my 30’s offered many milestones in my life. These thoughts are less about the milestones themselves and more about what I learned in the process.
Parenthood: Becoming a parent was a scientific journey for my wife and I. After years of trying “the old fashioned way,” we found ourselves at the University of Iowa Hospitals looking for help in starting our family. What followed was an IVF journey I couldn’t ever be prepared for. I say this because my wife and I are “Type A Preparers” by nature. We control. We organize. We define when things happen…except for pregnancy. Soon I would learn all I could control in this process were the black circles I drew on the small of my wife’s back with a Sharpie. Followed by the two inch needle I’d insert inside the circle and inject progesterone oil on a nightly cadence into her lower back. I don’t remember how many consecutive nights we did this for, but it felt like years! Fast-forward 9 years, and we’ve got an 8-year old son and nearly 4-year old daughter. We’re eternally grateful for all those at the U of I who helped us fulfill our parenthood dreams…albeit in a test tube. There is no love like being a parent. There is no uncertainty like being a parent. This is a bit of foreshadowing, but it was also my first experience with being truly anxious.
BusinessOwnership: On Feb. 27, 2012 I sent a LinkedIn message to a friend titled, “Opportunity Calls.” Yes, I saved the email too!! A few months later at 30 years old, the introduction paid off and the Agency I worked for acquired TargetClick Marketing to start a new digital division of the larger company. It was exhilarating and I got the itch to scratch on “owning a business” from my new colleagues. Greg, Doug, Therese, I’m forever grateful for you all and your friendship! As luck would have it, opportunity called to me a few years later and I was on the buyers side of the table again in 2015. The business I bought into was already successful, but we quickly drove it to new heights in a couple short and explosive years of growth. Just a year later, we had an offer to sell the business to a Private Equity backed holding company out of Memphis, TN. It was Dec. 1, 2016. I was 34. When my contract expired I’d be 38 or 39 years old. As the story unfolded, I left that business at 39 and President of the organization. Almost funny isn’t it? How timing works. It’s almost like that chapter, that decade, that opportunity needed closure at 39!
Investing: I’ve always had a strong interest in money. I’m interested in how it works, how it’s made, and how different groups of people think about and use money. In my 30’s my “money education” grew exponentially via the concept of asking some really simple questions to people I considered successful. What do the wealthy do? What do the wealthy own? Key word: OWN. I made it my mission to learn, apply knowledge and own more assets in my 30’s. I already noted the business ownership above (Check box). At 35, I started my real estate investment and ownership journey. I made the decision early in my 30’s and set a plan to “retire” by the ripe age of 45. There were two ways to do this. Win the lottery, or create income outside of any [9-5 income] to cover any basic monthly expenses. Real Estate offered the mechanism to accomplish the latter. I’m nearly five years into the journey and about 65% of the way to F-R-E-E-D-O-M (Say it like William Wallace screams it in Braveheart!!). Lesson here, big dreams are terrific. But nothing happens without taking big action!
Anxiety Lesson #1: I first learned about and truly experienced anxiety in my 30’s. The first time I’d ever had this feeling it was chemically induced and it was when I quit an all too frequent chewing tobacco habit. When that chemical addiction was defeated, I thought the feeling would be as well, but I was pulled back into some of those panicky feelings when going through the IVF process noted above. Being anxious is an exhausting experience. There were times I felt paralyzed in the “trigger protocol” of everything we were going through and we had so much HOPE invested in the process…but no guarantee lived on the other side. I didn’t want to feel our dreams getting crushed AGAIN! What I learned is the anxiety wasn’t about hope. It was about control. A lesson I’d learn again closing out my 30s with COVID.
Anxiety Lesson #2 – COVID. I don’t think we’re done learning about the true impact of COVID-19 on our mental well-being. COVID was a lasting anxious moment for me tied to things I thought I was owed and people I didn’t want to let down. When COVID initially hit, it was shock and awe for everyone…myself included. Those first few months with the kids at home, while running a business that was losing money every day, week, month felt impossible, but we got through the 1st wave. But not without making significant cuts to staff. If you’ve never done this, or sat up late at night staring at a spreadsheet with humans names on them…it’s REALLY hard. By dawn, a plan had to be in place to reduce expenses by many thousands of dollars. The fastest way to do that is something we’re seeing today across Big Tech companies. Eliminate large chunks of payroll. I’d never experienced this before, much less be one of the key trigger men. I wasn’t sleeping well or dealing well with the weight of these decisions. People’s lives were in my hands and I couldn’t find a fast or easy decision to circumvent this choice. In the Spring of 2021 my body started breaking down from the lasting stress and my Ulcerative Colitis flared again. Heavy lies the crown of leadership! At the end of it all, I can say I just didn’t want to let my peers, colleagues and former partners down. We were also owed some money from the sale of our business, and due to COVID I thought there was little to no chance we’d ever see it. Was this my fault? Again, these feelings are all about CONTROL. Now I’m afforded the opportunity to sit with these feelings and be more aware. I’m more aware of what’s in my control vs. what is not. I’m more open to talking through deeply challenging situations and most importantly asking for help/guidance.
At the expense of getting too windy on this post, I learned much more in my 30’s, but a post needs closure. I learned to meditate effectively in my 30s. I learned I have some of the best friends a person could ask for. I also learned a great deal about my body and diet.
All of this to say, I look forward to crushing the next decade in my 40s!
Fresh off a 5K run. Drenched in sweat and about to text my buddy Steve.
As the sun rises and the sun sets, I step closer and closer to that milestone birthday I once dreaded and made fun of in my 20s. Now as this milestone quickly approaches, I’m hopeful to believe life is less than half complete. Yes I’ll confess my age. I’m on the doorstep of 40!
What inevitability awaits is marketed to us on the daily. Do gray hairs now populate my head and beard? Could the waistline be slightly expanding? Is my club head speed beginning to deteriorate?
A couple months back around the holidays I was texting with a good friend of mine after a workout. Sweaty, but feeling energized from my recent accomplishment pounding the treadmill for a few miles I reminded him of the impending doom on our horizon. Our 40th birthdays would both come calling in March of 2022.
The question wasn’t if we’d make it to the milestone. No. We were certainly on a crash course with a “mid-life” encounter. The question I posed to him was, “How will we arrive at 40?”
How would I arrive for my wife?
Would I have the vitality necessary to keep a 20-year relationship fun and strong? Would I be desirable in my life choices or is the beer gut winning out? Am I doing my best to balance being a provider, a parent and a partner?
How would we arrive for my kids?
Would we have the energy, or more than enough energy to keep up with them as they grow out of babies into their adolescent years? Do we own enough discipline to know when to put work away and pickup a ball or book with our kids?
How would we arrive for ourselves?
How is our physical, mental and spiritual health at a time when we’re pulled in so many directions? Are we continuing to take on new and curious challenges to keep growing as individuals? Do we also own a deep gratitude to know we are “enough” today?
How would we arrive for our friends?
Are we someone a friend can trust or count on in a time of need? Or are we the one who seldom returns a call or text? Instead choosing the lazy route of disappearing into the ether of a “busy” life void of the connections we truly cherish?
A decade ago…
I shared somewhat similar and more surface level thoughts about this topic as I was nearing 30 and trying (unsuccessfully at the time) to start a family. Was I the reason my wife and I were unable to conceive? Was it my lifestyle that needed an overhaul? If we were blessed with kids, how would I arrive as a parent?
Time is a wonderful teacher. Ten years and a lot of life in between offer more perspective and more thoughtful reflection as I continue on this journey called life.
I now understand life is consistently presenting us with milestones. Each milestone contains a mini finish line on the horizon. Each finish line provides an opportune time time to ask, “How will I arrive when I break the tape of _______________ life event?
If you currently find yourself addicted, overweight, out of shape, anxious, or simply less than your best self…look forward to your next milestone and leverage the journey ahead for meaningful progress.
I don’t care if you’re soon to be graduating college, turning 30, welcoming your first child, turning 50, or soon to be 80 years young. Life is giving us all the opportunity to pause and take stock. Not that we are perfect or in pursuit of perfection. But that we HAVE ARRIVED!
I was listening to a podcast last week with Tim Ferriss as he interviewed Cindy Whitehead. Here is the link. Cindy is well known for selling two pharmaceutical companies for over one billion dollars and is now dedicating her time to helping other female entrepreneurs pursue their mission.
In the middle of the episode the two are discussing negotiating tactics to win when the stakes are at their highest. Want to know “the secret” to winning?
He who cares the least, wins!
Sounds too simple right. So maybe the answer is to just care about nothing, and float aimlessly through life living like a true nihilist? Hardly. Caring the least is largely about perspective and what you are willing to lose.
In golf, one of the first things an instructor will likely teach you is the grip. Not so much the interlocking grip vs. the overlap vs. the ole baseball grip. No. I’m referring to grip pressure. Tight enough to maneuver the club, but not so loose that you lose the grip and it slips out of your hands on the range and goes flying toward that old woman in the visor. That’s dangerous. Strangling the air out of the grip doesn’t help either. Wringing the club’s neck with tension will lead to lack of flow with the swing and makes it nearly impossible to release the club head and really generate power.
Two very important words there. Flow and Release.
I can name a handful of times in my life when I’ve been hanging on much too tight. That’s called nerves, or the more commonly uttered phrase today: anxiety. For me it is usually the result of trying too hard to drive an outcome likely out of my control, but one I believe NEEDS it to happen. I also become less of my true self in the process. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it.
Pressure Balance
I’ve hung on too tight countless times in sports, with relationships, business pursuits and in my professional life. I’m pretty sure each delivered a less than desirable outcome because I wasn’t playing my game. I was playing too tight, trying to guide every outcome.
Feels like being a little league pitcher who can’t throw a strike after walking the bases loaded. All you want to do is aim the ball over the plate and have it hit the target. You’d give almost anything to make it happen and squeeze the ball with this intent. Meanwhile, the coach from the dugout yells, “don’t aim it Zac…just throw!” He’s right. Just throw and let it go!
Hanging in there vs. Hanging on.
That’s life isn’t it? Hanging in there just enough to pursue a lofty goal just out of our reach, but not willing to give up just yet. Conversely, not hanging on so desperately so that when it doesn’t happen the result is fatal and personal catastrophe ensues.
Anyone who’s spent any time with a child knows exactly what this pressure looks like. Devastation occurs when a child doesn’t get their way or their demands are not met. We’ve all seen the temper tantrum thrown at the toy isle in Target. These are children, but I could source many events where adults don’t act all too different.
What does holding on too tight feel like?
To me, it feels like pressure. A weight vest. The game doesn’t slow down, it speeds up. Decision making isn’t as sharp as it should be. I’m pressing, pressing, pressing for the outcome. Minutes feel like hours. Days like months. There is absolutely no flow. It’s mentally and physically exhausting because when one element doesn’t hit the way the script in my head reads, it’s like a kick to the gut. Body blow, body blow…complete loss of wind. The answer feels like more effort. More hours. More grind.
Burnout.
I’ve been there a few times and usually spot it later than I’d like, but that’s not the worst thing. The key is being able to spot it. What follows is usually a deep sense of clarity, gratitude and ability to refocus on the important stuff. Focus on the “right” action, results will come. Getting lost again in the process has always worked for me.
Focus on Action > Results
If you feel yourself hanging on too tight what do you do? My recommendation is to get very honest with yourself and fear set. What is fear setting? Here is a link to Tim’s blog post on Fear Setting. Name your fears. Speak them out loud or write them down. Let your fear hit oxygen and assign value to them. Is this real? If so, what is the worst outcome? Will you die from this?
ACTION ITEM:
The quality of your life is in direct reflection to the quality of your questions. Here are a few different ways to think about hanging on too tight.
Why am I hanging on so tight?
Who am I trying to impress?
What is it I’m really chasing?
How will my life really change if said outcome does or doesn’t happen?
Could all the time and energy I’m directing at making this one thing happen, be better used to pursue multiple opportunities instead?
Obviously I don’t believe I’m alone or I wouldn’t write about it. Anxiety and fear are leaving people feeling trapped, living a life alone with their own thoughts.
It all started for me about five years ago with my UC (ulcerative colitis) diagnosis. What began as a disease of the large intestine and specifically the colon, spread to my head.
No it’s not cancer. I’m referring to the negative thought process I became fixated on and concerned with 24/7. Worry followed by more fear and worry. Here is a small sampling of my thoughts from about five years ago to give you an idea of what I’m talking about:
Is this going to kill me?
What (if anything) could I eat any more?
Would it cause another attack?
What if I’m not near a bathroom? (near is a distance 15-20 seconds away at a panic jog rate)
What if I can’t eat anything?
Would I still be able to travel?
What if I got sick away from home?
How embarrassing is this going to be?
Eat more bananas? Damn it! More bananas?
Why am I telling you this?
Because I believe this is merely a glimpse at my struggle, and although it may not relate to you directly, I believe others need to know it’s okay to be afraid, but accepting of their fears. What’s not okay is to let fear take over your thoughts, actions, and emotions 24/7 and ruin your life. For me, this fear lead to panic, anxious thoughts, and uninitiated worry.
A couple years ago on the outside, I may have looked like I had it together, but on the inside I was a complete mess.
The “trifecta” I was living with included more than just the UC diagnosis and fears. At the exact same time I was kicking a nasty nicotine habit (which needed to happen), while also facing a growing infertility challenge with my wife as we longed to start a family. Brick by brick, a house of fears and frustration compiled.
It wasn’t until a couple years ago I realized the best medicine for my body wasn’t the two daily horse pills I take. I needed brain training for a reboot. I’d personally beaten myself down with thoughts and feelings of insecurity and anxiousness. Everywhere I went there was an undercurrent of fear riding in my sidecar. If you can relate, you know what I’m talking about. The weeds find a way to grow, and they grow quickly!
What does this fear feel like?
It feels like a racing heartbeat. Clammy and shivering hands. Chills. Feelings of being exhausted and alert at the same time. It turned situations where I was 100% comfortable a couple years ago into fight or flight adrenaline jolts. It sucked.
So how did I start to take back control?
Slowly. One step at a time my thinking had to be rebuilt. Here’s what Ralph Waldo Emerson says,
A man is what he thinks about all day long.
The quote (and I’m not sure who said it), “Everyone has something,” kept running through my head. “I’m not the only one in the world dealing with this, so stop being such a pansy ass,” I’d say to myself. It could be so much worse. I had to make a choice and commit to positivity and living life every day.
Commitment to change happened.
Radical change happens when a line is drawn in the sand and a person must be put to a decision. In poker you would call this an “all-in” wager. I didn’t want to wallow in the bullshit any longer. I decided I’d own it and talk about it openly. I chose to show others my hand (more card-speak), my insecurities, and not be afraid or embarrassed. After all, this was me. All of me, as John Legend puts it.
A crazy thing happens when you speak freely about fear. It gets released. When it’s released, it doesn’t carry with it the immense weight as it does in your thoughts. It disappears like smoke from a fire into the night sky. Seemingly never to have existed in the first place.
The kryptonite to my fear, my anxiety, my neurosis wasn’t a pill (although I must admit a steroid pack helps a brother out from time to time if he gets run down and my stomach needs a boost). No. The answer lived in my thoughts, beliefs, and actions. A funny thing happens when this choice is made. You gain momentum and energy, and you never look back.
Thinking alone won’t ever cure me from my stomach disease or associated fears, but I’m not looking for that any more. I’m not cured, I’m informed. I’m committed to not living a life of fear and being a shell of my real self. If that means saying no to a few more things, or resting when my body needs it, then so be it.
When the next challenge comes along (and it’s guaranteed to happen), I will be more prepared. I will be more present in understanding what I’m feeling. In the meantime, I’m going to hop on this black stallion called life and break her to live my way!
ACTION ITEM: I’ve been thinking about this post for some time. A great deal of emotion came about when thinking about it. It makes me feel even better writing it. But, it’s not about me. I know without a shred of doubt there are people struggling like I did. If you are afraid, SO IS EVERYONE ELSE!
Make a choice to beat it. If you’re a friend, make a choice to help them. Life is far too short to be afraid all the time.
I tried mediation for the first time. First, I’d like to tell you exactly why I did it.
I was stressed out
Anxious/nervous frequently
I couldn’t shut my mind off at night to sleep
I couldn’t get a good night sleep
I felt worn down and tired
I wasn’t thinking as quickly and clearly as I needed to be
I clearly wasn’t being myself
If you’re feeling any of these currently, and want to change your life I believe meditation is the solution. I’m now going to tell you exactly how I do it, as my process is a bit of a hybrid of what you may read elsewhere.
7 Keen Steps to Meditation
Get Alone – I retreat down to my basement to a room that functions as my office from time to time. The floor is carpeted and extremely comfy. I close the door and begin my process.
Shut Off The World – The only thing I take with me is my phone (which may sound counterproductive) but it is turned to airplane mode so I can receive no calls or texts.
Close Your Eyes – This will be challenging for some. It was extremely challenging for me in the beginning. The goal is to keep my eyes closed for the entire 20 minutes of meditation.
Turn On the Noise – I use an app called Relax Melodies. You can find it on the App Store for iPhone. I turn on the sounds of: the ocean, a piano, a fire, etc. It varies a little from time to time. I’d also like to note I wear headphones at the time to tune out any other sound. This helps me get a tremendous amount of focus and I set a timer for 20 or 25 minutes.
Breathe – After reading a great deal about mediation this is something I crafted slightly on my own. I start every setting with my legs crossed in standard meditation position. I breathe in as much as I possibly can through my nose, until my lungs and stomach feel completely full. I then slowly release the breath through pursed lips (like you would exhale through a straw) and count. I try to get the count to 20 or 30 with each breath.
Stretch – This is my unique rendition. As I breathe I added in a stretching routine. I did some basic research on the most beneficial stress relieving stretches. A great deal of my routine involves loosening up my hamstrings, neck and back (where I carry my stress).
Positive Talk/Prayer – I also use my 20 minutes of alone time to be thankful and reinforce my thoughts with positive talk. This too is a unique wrinkle I’ve added to my routine. It may or may not be for you. I believe the more my mind is reinforced, the better performance I can expect from my own abilities.
So, how would I have described mediation before I started: weird, hippy, liberal, tree-hugger, yoga pants, eastern practice, etc. But, after seeing Russell Simmons thoughts on mediation, and knowing Phil Jackson is a student of the practice I had to give it a try. They seem to be pretty successful (insane understatement)!
Russell Simmons via Twitter (@UncleRUSH)
ACTION ITEM: I hope you at least give mediation a try. My life is measurably better because I adopted this ancient practice and I believe yours can be too.
